#and was working on it pretty consistently! Until I set a really big expectation on myself for apart of it

[daily-ghostly-goobs]

🍯

Honey pot! yknow weirdly I never enjoyed raw honey

DAY 300 - HONEY (Click for better quality)

Thanks for the suggestion! Thinking about it, I don’t think I’ve ever tried raw honey. Or just, honey in general. Weird! :p

[whydontyousaeso]

Tattooed into your brain (pt 1)

Damian preist x Reader

When you first moved to LA you didn’t really expect to wind up with a bunch of friends at a tattoo shop, you also didn’t expect to be wrapped up with a certain man at the tattoo shop either.

Type- fluff!

Warnings- none at the moment!

A/n- hiiiii so I’m actually so excited to be posting this rn. This is honestly more of an introduction than anything, but I promise part 2 will have more Damian/reader interactions! Love you guys and be on the lookout for more content soon!

As you walked the streets of LA, you took in the different senses that overwhelmed your brain. It was so loud and crowded, you weren’t used to it.

You scanned the stores around you, a particular tattoo shop catching your eyes. ‘JD Tattoos’ was the name of it, and it was a dark building with a black and purple color scheme. You had actually been looking to get a new tattoo recently, you just didn’t have the time to look around considering you just moved.

You made your way over to the building quickly, trying to get away as fast as you could from the crowd. When you stepped in you were greeted by the soft sound of rock music and leather everything.

At least they were consistent with the theme.

You looked around for a second, slowly making your way up to the desk. You heard some chattering in the back, but couldn’t tell if there were any workers actually working.

At least you weren’t able to until a young man rolled out into the lounge area, looking you up and down.

“Hey Rhea! There’s a client for you out here.”

“Yeah I’ll be there in a minute.”

You smiled awkwardly at the young man, nodding slightly to show thanks to him. It didn’t take but another thirty seconds for a tall dark haired female to come out.

Not only were they consistent with the theme, they looked the part too.

“Hi, uh, I’m new here and I’ve been looking for some tattoo artists and stuff.”

“Yeah? Have you ever got a tattoo before?”

“I actually have a couple-“

You pulled up your shirt to reveal the big rose on your side.

“I have this one, and I also have another one on my leg too. I really want a back one but I’m not really sure what to do yet.”

“Ohh yeah, well considering you’ve done this a couple times I don’t see where there would be any problems.”

She reached down and pulled out a huge binder, placing it on the counter for you to look through.

“Here are some of my works, look through them and see if any of them stand out to you. If not I’m sure we can get creative or pull something out of our ass.”

You smiled a bit, feeling more comfortable with her.

“What’s your name?”

“Y/n, and your Rhea?”

“Yeah, where did you move here from?”

“Oh, I’m from Washington. I just finished my masters and decided I needed a new place to live.”

“Pretty big jump huh?”

“Yeah, to be honest the only reason I’m here is because my friend has an extra room and is letting me stay.”

You stopped on a particular tattoo, it was a black and white skull with chains going through and around it.

“How much would this one be?”

“Depends on the size”

“How about 5 inches?”

“$200”

You took a second to think. Considering your last tattoo artist charged you more this isn’t a bad deal at all.

“When can you put me down?”

She smiled and pulled out another book. She was flipping through the pages when you heard the door open again. This time a tall man walked in, carrying a duffle bag and some food.

“Hey Damian, Finn wanted to talk to you in the back about something.”

You heard him sigh and set his stuff down at the front desk. Before you knew it he was gone.

“I can fit you in tomorrow at 10, think you could make it?”

“Yeah definitely, do you need a deposit?”

“Nah you can pay tomorrow, I don’t worry about it too much.”

You handed her the binder and smiled.

“Awesome. Thank you so much.”

“Of course, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The next day when you walked in the tattoo shop the same man that walked in while you were talking to Rhea was at the desk.

“Hey, I’m here for my 10 o’clock with Rhea?”

That got his attention

He looked up from his phone and smiled. “Yeah, Rhea is running a little late so she asked if I could prep you, you good with that?”

You nodded and gave a small verbal confirmation. You’ve had men work on you before so this wasn’t uncomfortable for you.

You followed him back to her room, watching his broad figure from behind.

“What’s your name again?”

You asked, breaking the silence.

“Damian, and you?”

“Y/N.”

You sat in the chair, awaiting instructions from Damian. Luckily you were wearing a crop top with a jacket over it, so all you needed to do was take off the jacket.

“This is going on your back right?”

“Yeah”

“Alright, where do you want it?”

You slipped off your jacket and turned away from him.

“Lower center please, I want to be able to work around it in the future”

You heard him hum in approval before sticking the stencil on your back. It almost caught you by surprise, the way his rough hands rubbed over the area. You would be lying if you said that you didn’t start heating up with the way he was touching your back.

You didn’t even know this man, why was he getting you so flustered?

“Do you want numbing cream?”

“Oh, no thank you, I’m good without it.”

You turned around and smiled at him, hoping that your face wasn’t too red from the sudden contact.

“Rhea said she will be here in about five minutes, you need anything else?”

You shook your head.

“Alright then, see you later”

You weren’t able to respond in time before he left. As you sat there feeling the stencil dry you questioned yourself.

Why the fuck was he so stuck in your head?

[inventors-fair]

Signpost Commentary: At Odds and Ends

Well, folks, it's been a long week. A very long couple weeks. Things aren't shaping up as neatly as I thought they would but that doesn't matter because we're all in it together. And you know what? I've been feeling as of late that I've just kinda gotten worse at Magic overall. I like Duskmourn a lot, but is it how I'm drafting? I've had some sets that've been enjoyable and others that have been fairly despicable, and some chaos that's panned out and some that's just plain failed. Where's the right answer? What's the right direction?

But that's a hard question to answer, because there are so many. You'd think that this would be a transition into signposts, but really, it's just me venting about having to work weekends when I just want to write about custom cards all the time. (This is mostly a joke; working at an LGS is pretty great.) And as for signposts and environments, I find it quite interesting how many different folks had basically the same consensus about some recent sets and cards. Like, a LOT of consensus. I fully expected everyone to have a completely different take but no, wow, we saw...a lot of variance in what people changed.

Is that speaking at all to what expectations were before playing the set, or are these considerations after an open mind has already approached what's ostensibly solved formats? Or is this experimentation for better times overall? Strange times indeed. Anyway, I know already that this is going to be late and also, it's going to be shorter probably. Each card I'll write about until I don't feel like writing anymore.

JUDGE PICKS are cards that I particularly liked for some reason or another, and/or they were close to winning or running, and/or there's a specific aspect of them I wanted to point out. Sounds good? Sounds good. Let's roll.

@bread-into-toast — Momir VII, Cloned Colonist

I think I understand the mechanical intent: more treasures ensures that plotting becomes easier, you can get your engines and big things online, etc. I'm not seeing the connection between Momir and treasures, though, or Momir's real connection to the plane in general. That said, OTJ did have a weird plot and flavor, so I guess there's some justification. As far as replacing the good bear doctor goes, though, I don't feel that there's too much of an argument to be made here as for why this one would necessarily be...better? That said, I don't even know if that's the argument being made at all.

There's just no specific grip on this card for me in the scheme of greater OTJ game feel or flavor feel. Plotting felt just plain good as it stood, and Doc Aurlock did a fine job as a two-drop to get some of the ramp more easily situated. Having Momir trigger off of more things that aren't as relevant feels like it's more of a first draft playtest. Maybe that's fine, though, and it would be worth seeing how he'd play in the shell. I'm not sold, though, mostly because the question of "Why Treasure?" lingers as a discrepancy. But ramp is ramp; I'll chalk this to overthinking.

~

@corporalotherbear — Vengeful Fighter (JUDGE PICK)

Now, the reason why I want to put this card as a judge pick is that it would've been a fantastic finisher card in the format, and it's a powerhouse for sure. I'm also of the opinion that it would be a much better rare than an uncommon. Any party overlap and you're doming for more than your fair share. Any attack turns into either chipping away or forcing lethal, assuming that you can get any number of party members to stay on board. Consistent damage is fine if it's hard to get. Signpost uncommons that can deal up to four damage on attacking OR blocking with a fair amount of consistency? It's really rough, especially if it stacks.

Consider: your opponent has a huge board, and you have five creatures, two warriors (one of which is this dude). Swing in with all of them, and those unfavorable swings that would just kill your creatures turns lethal. And maybe they don't block—well, unless they have you dead to rights, they're dead on the crackback. This would be an awesome rare, a seriously good finisher, or maybe there are places where the death could deal different amounts or whatever. I would love to have played with this card! I feel we may be a little powered up for aggro limited. Secondarily: the name is a bit generic. How could some part of this make it feel more Zendikari?

~

@cthulhusaurusrex — Corpsejack Source (JUDGE PICK)

Compared to the signposts of the time, this card feels oddly contemporary. I do mean that as a compliment, and I also mean to say that I don't know how it would've been printed at the time, if anything like that would've been printed at all. I guess they made weirder cards, but hey, this was before FIRE design and Modern Horizons and whatever, so. I do like it, though, and I feel that the gist of getting more bodies per body is really great for the Scavenge decks. That's all that a fungus wants to do!

Should the second ability say "other" creatures, perhaps? As in, you don't want to confuse folks with whether or not it triggers off of itself attacking. I want to emphasize, BTW, for anyone reading this: if I bring up an example of something that could possibly confuse players, I'm using the general scale of complexity that we've seen handed down/explained by MTG designers, COMBINED with questions I've gotten myself as a de facto judge at FNM. Anyway. Fungus is also an interesting choice. Ooze would've been by go-to, but I like funguses. Just to wrap up: overall, this card feels a little slow to get going, especially as a 1/1, but I see where you're coming from with it. It's here as a JP for its neatness in mechanical expansion, I'd say.

~

@dimestoretajic — Glitterseed Scrounger

The first of the squirrels. Why were so many folks not down with the simplicity of the signpost squirrels from Bloomburrow? Or maybe folks just wanted to see something different, I dunno. Either way, a three-mana 1/1 that on occasion makes tapped treasures doesn't really do it for me. Deathtouch feels like it could be reasonable if this is a utility creature. On the squirrel curve, that one feels particularly less aggressive than squirrels want to be; I think that's the reason that the other signpost was the aggressive body that it was.

Foraging for treasures is kind of cute conceptually, but what does that really have to do with the squirrel gameplan? It doesn't really need the ramp, and now you're mixing and matching different tokens on your board as well. I feel like it could've played fine, but treasures as a theme weren't what Bloomburrow needed, I don't think. I can feel the justification in the flavor text as well; that definitely feels like you were reaching, not gonna lie. I think that developing ideas that naturally combine into a flavor-and-mechanical blend is useful for the second go-around on whatever ideas come to mind.

~

@feyd-rautha-apologist — Corpseroot Mentor

Oh boy. I think mixing metaphors is a little weird here. I grok the card, but the complexity isn't what you want from a signpost. And to be fair, I think that the grokworthiness of this card would be fine for any other design standpoint! We're in the trap of good idea, good execution, and the main issue is that you're designing for the average player cracking standard packs. Offspring costs not being mana is a divergence that probably should be saved for rares, if that. You'd be surprised what the average played does or does not grok.

...I mean, would they even know the word "grok?" I hope that's common knowledge among the custom-design-corner here on Tumblr and beyond. What I also grok is that this card is designed to be a bit of an engine, and I respect that that's what you'd want from the four-drop slot here in the aggressive squirrel deck. Having played that deck (and having won only one BLB draft with that deck) I feel that this turns a little midrange-y? It's not a bad thing to have that option. I do like the triggers as well, and the amount of food that one gets is pretty nuts! To avoid rambling, what I'll say is that I like this card a lot, and I can envision the AD even. Some complexity wires got rewired, though, and I would suggest keeping in mind the base difficulty of different sets. I do love me some potential Horizons-y costs.

~

@hypexion — Mercury Host Stalker

There weer a cycle of landcycling cards in MOM, as well as some self-mill strategies, that could get cards with massive values into your graveyard fairly early on. It's entirely possible that this card could get a 6/6 or 7/7 Phyrexian on turn four, plus the flying body. Maybe that's magical christmas land, but is it that far off? I think that this card feels quite good and maybe my worries are less of "these are problems" and more "this is the ideal scenario." I also remember the removal in MOM being quite clunky compared to the bombs... Maybe this is just plain worrisome for no reason, y'know? But I don't hate it at all. I'm just scared of it.

Part of Halo Forager's advantage was that it could steal from any graveyard, and I think that I appreciate greatly how much you adhered to the original stats and body while creating a completely different card. I think I can agree with the argument this card is presenting, in favor of a definitive Phyrexian body instead of a potential flashback body. Between the two, I still find the forager more interactive and interesting—spell value in a control shell. This card isn't bad, of course, because in a bomb-vs-bomb format, you can match some of the huge green creatures or whatever. This may be a personal taste issue re:color intent in the formats, and what graveyard interaction would look like.

~

@i-am-the-one-who-wololoes — Master Forager

I'm not opposed to triggers-within-triggers myself; it's also taken me a lot longer to really get into my brain how they're supposed to work with certain cards. They're really difficult to get the timing down on sometimes! With this one, the question of targets and resolution and if-thens get really messed up. When does someone lose life? When does the creature get the -1/-1, if there are any life-loss triggers or ETB triggers for the second ability? All of these make sense on the board, sure, but again: you've got a cool card from a designer's brain standpoint, and I want to shift you into an average-player-who-doesn't-consider-design standpoint.

That's the TL;DR of it, and I think I want to point out the second ability as a really nice blend of what foraging allows you to do, and what it would look like to have those choices. Maybe if there was just an ETB or combat forage? I think it's possible that the second trigger could've been one part "Whenever you ___ to forage"—but I don't actually know, because that would mean diving into some definitions of the keyword that I don't think matter in this case. Honestly, a modal foraging trigger at the beginning of combat (or whenever) could've been perfectly cool too: "[when/whenever/at], you may forage. When you do, choose one:" And then you have the life loss, -1/-1, or token. Y'know? I like what this card wants to deliver. I'm not quite on board with it yet.

~

@izzet-always-r-versus-u — Gratitude/Resentment

I don't think this card would fit into Wilds without it being a bit of a wild swing. Don't forget: in any given environment, even though they don't quite have mechanical significance, split cards are themselves a mechanical addition to any given set! I mean, this card is supposed to be from WOE, right? The creative choice to add a card frame/style that wasn't at all part of the set is a little baffling to me. But, big risks and big rewards, I suppose. If anything, knowing your general strengths as a designer, I'd say that this is one place to dial back. Split cards didn't belong in WOE, and postulating this as a signpost isn't at all what we were looking for.

As a card in general, in a vacuum, I like it a lot; hell, I'd even go so far as to say that it would play just fine in the WOE archetypes. It's interesting that you chose to sorta-kinda mirror the uncommon Adventure creature in the sense that there are pseudo-symmetrical effects here. Of course, they're not exact, but having that mirroring is notable by comparison. A couple indestructible effects and an additional edict ain't bad; plus, I can see some situations where Resentment would cause some fun blowouts. Again, I want to stress, it's not bad—but it doesn't fit into WOE, which was part of this contest's challenge: how well you can match and/or argue for a set's needs.

~

@lich-of-the-golgari — Thrull Processor

Ajani's Pridemate is the first thing that comes to mind. Having a flying Pridemate is a bit of a pain to deal with for sure. Overall, I'd say that this card groks well, but it's not especially exciting to me? Having played a fair amount of Gatecrash back in the day, I remember cards like One Thousand Lashes and Gift of Orzhova, things like that. Man, it was a different era... Obzedat was a bit of a pain, that's for sure. Anyway. I think it's really funny that it starts out as a 0/2. Could you get away with this as just a two-mana creature?

Maybe the gist of this card is defined by that bygone era, honestly. I probably wouldn't first-pick this, but it would be fine in the deck, and it's... I just noticed that it doesn't have flying, dang. If it was flying AND lifelink, well, that's a different story, but something in me was imagining the original thrull. I guess this is what they say about art and wings and making a difference. In a lifegainy set, even without flying, I think that making it big would be okay, although I'd like a little bit more of a mechanical push to make an argument of having this over any other part of a curve or even a cycle, y'know?

~

@piccadilly-blue — Vargrahn, the Pit Boss

I'm not sure exactly how you interpreted this contest, but let's back up a little bit. The goal was a set mechanic on a signpost. Is this card supposed to be from Ravnica, where detain was originally printed? Because it's giving a Capenna vibe, where you'd be looking at conniving as the main Obscura mechanic. Without a little more information, I honestly don't know what your goal was here, but it doesn't fit within the contest parameters unless you're really stretching the boundaries of what the Azorius were doing on RTR. Honestly, who knows what they were doing, I didn't read the story at that time.

Anyway, I'll give a quick read on this card: in a hypothetical future where detaining was part of SNC, this card kicks butt. I loved detain as a mechanic myself because I was a horrible control player at the time. The fact that you're hypothesizing a detain payoff makes me quite happy. The fact that there are only twelve cards that detain pains me to the core. That's really neither here nor there, though, because this card's clearly not from this timeline. Hey, that's...fine? I suppose? But I'd really like to know what you were thinking with this one in terms of the contest. Also: keep writing art direction. Add some composition notes and that's a 10/10.

~

@wildcardgamez — Alabaster Armory

It's interesting that you chose this card as a representation of signposts because this card was actually designed before a time where signposts were integrated into set design. Seriously! Some sets were designed for draft after a few years of MTG's creation, but an actual-genuine signpost wouldn't show up in packs until the set after New Phyrexia—original Innistrad. Even then, they weren't multicolor, not until Dark Ascension. Whew. That sent me down a drafting rabbit hole, but the point is that this card is interesting compared to where it would want to be.

As a signpost, though, I don't think I'm sold. It's a contemporary card in a retro shell—unless you were intending for this card to be part of a different set, in which case I really don't know what you were going for. Living weapon being printed before the Phyrexian creature type is a little bit of an odd duck, and if this was indeed from the original New Phyrexia, I'd say that having almost every single creature being Phyrexian would make this more of a Bastion of Remembrance card than anything specifically tied to the type. But B/W equipment might've been an archetype, I dunno, anything was possible back then. What theoretical applications can be applied to a card that's not in conversation with its origin? It's hard to determine. 

~

@xenobladexfan — Maestros Defector (JUDGE PICK)

I'm gonna copy-paste the personal commentary I gave from Discord because a) I can and b) this commentary post is late enough as-is:

I think my favorite part of the card is the intersectionality it opens up between Maestros and the Treasure synergies of the set, actually, which is itself the intersection of Cabaretti and Riveteers. I do feel that between Blitz, Treasures, Casualty and the common labs cycle, you risk a card with exceptional advantage comparatively. For three mana and a 3/3, the ability to generate  a card possibly every turn is wild. I'm also thinking of formats where Mayhem Devil is played, yeah? Like, that itself is a smash hit, and while this one isn't a wincon in itself, you can't deny that it's a little pushed. Not that it's a bad call, though, and I feel with a little numbers tweaking it could be easier to get balanced for uncommon. I might also word it to only trigger for the first one you sacrifice during each of YOUR turns, to encourage Blitzing.

I think the flavor is a little awkward for SNC? In a set ostensibly designed to introduce the families, having a card that's a Riveteer- mechanic focus but that's about a defector feels a little odd to me. Plus, something tells me a defector wouldn't last long on the streets. They're good at making things go away. Maybe if the flavor was about why the Maestros don't go after him? But either way, I think that a focus about what the Riveteers ARE would've been stronger, because right now the name suggests a character motivation that isn't delivered in this iteration.

~

@yd12k — Bloodtithe Harvester

There's a certain boldness in this card's presentation that I appreciate. Overall, I'm not opposed to the original BT, but it seems that there are some redesigns that more than one person wanted to change, eh? Blood tokens were such a good mechanic. Tying up a draining effect with that is a real pain in the butt, but in a good way. Looking at VOW in general, I honestly don't know if this effect is necessary though. There are a few cards that have you gaining life, there's one with an activated ability to drain, there are plenty of cards that repeatably create Blood tokens... It's hard to argue the necessity of this card in the grand scheme of the set compared to an on-board removal spell.

But it's still good, and if there weren't a massive amount of Blood effects in this set already then I'd say this was a thumbs-up. Maybe there was just an oversaturation that's diminishing my good graces. Maybe it's even better than the original and I'm misremembering how good the original was (although Standard would argue differently). I think that having to sacrifice Blood to drain would encourage you to go though your deck even faster, and that's fine as a wincon assuming you can get through with your bloody dudes for damage faster. Chip damage is always perfectly fine and having multiples would be even finer. The question of "what does this card do for me in the larger shell" isn't answered as well as the original BT, though; extra blood making extra removal on an aggro body is a little more directional than the winmore that this version provides.

~

Have fun with the current contest, phew. Lots to get through.

@abelzumi

[aotopmha]

General spoilery thoughts on all of Dawntrail!

Current thoughts on Wuk Lamat!

I like her, but I think they pushed her too much.

I talked about this in one of my impression posts, but you can't force your audience to like a character. You have to let the characters be who they are and then let the audience decide. This is entirely just really clunky and frustrating writing.

To also address another elephant in the room, this was my issue with Lyse, as well.

I think Wuk at least avoids some issues Lyse's character had in terms of writing.

She's a sheltered royal rather than someone who never lived in her country and she has actual solid relationships within that country, so the emotional core at least makes stronger sense. She is one of the people she is setting out to lead and at the very least, it is initially to stop a much worse candidate from ascending the throne.

But once the framing turns to her actually being deserving of the throne, I had trouble believing it all the way through, no matter how her character actually changed and I think this comes back to the narrative pushing her so much. She was the new leader because the story wanted her to be not because her growth logically lead to it.

The other big issue I have with both is just how certain aspects of them just have no nuance and those parts without nuance take over their character. Lyse's flaws at the start of Stormblood were droned over and over. And that's fine. But any one-dimensional character traits eventually become uninteresting, be it flaws or positives.

I like that Lyse's self-righteousness and insecurity is addressed even if it's not always consistent; I think she pretty firmly at least loses the self-pity that's so prevalent at the start of her arc. She becomes hyper self-aware, but the most prevalent struggle she started with is gone.

Yes, she still "fails" at a bunch of stuff beuse circumstsnces still put her in an awkward position, but at least she puts in the work to help and fix issues without constantly doubting herself. And that part is pretty consistent.

And this is same for Wuk and her naiveté and belief in happiness. It's just so one-note that it becomes uninteresting.

But I also like that Wuk ends up as the empathic big sister and learns to be serious when it matters. I like that she appoints her brother alongside her and learns to admit to her flaws. But like Lyse, it is unfortunately not always consistent. The empathy and seriousness sticks, but other stuff is shaky.

They're both incredibly messy in terms of writing, but I think I can say I at least enjoy Wuk a bunch more because of what Dawntrail is trying to be, which is a Shounen Manga with some complexity added into the mix somewhere at the level 97ish point.

A big overarching issue with Stormblood to me was that it had the serious threat of the Empire constantly in the background while trying to be an adventure story.

Dawntrail's much smaller-scale internal political conflict removes that urgency and by doing that makes the adventure and the downtime associated with it much more logical. The adventure is the point.

It's not trying to be a grand epic at least until half-way through, so I was not expecting it to be; I realised this the moment I saw how they presented the Rite of Succession as a journey to collect tablets. And Wuk Lamat is at least much more suitable to lead this story.

The Tl;dr is that I like her, but just like Lyse, the writing surrounding her has some pretty obvious flaws and this is jarring because character writing is usually one of this narrative's strong aspects.

But just like Stormblood, I think we have some really stand-out side characters that have a lot of potential.

I'll talk about them in another post.

[langernameohnebedeutung]

thinking about how the izombie pilot episode used a pale blue colour scheme (very clean, very cool, very understated, very sterile and calm even though it's a stressful situation) for its opening:

only in the corners/the periphery, there are some other colours that are really standing out, most notably red and yellow:

but then, the red and yellow become more prominent:

(remember how I once made a joke that those red splatter patterns on the windows give awful children's hospital colour theory vibe? like...what a specific choice)

anyway, as we've gotten darker and more yellow and red, note how the composition of the screen is also much busier and less pristine that in the previous shots - even though nothing is happening here and it's pretty peaceful. On the other hand, it is still very systematic and contained with these many kinds of rectengular shapes and very consistent shots.

That gets us to the boat party. Which is a clashing mess of red and yellow (the fire, the clothes, the cups, the pool toys - which is definitely a choice bc you'd expect the Max Rager theme to be more prominent) and a lot of altering shots with a lot of movement and colours being far less contained:

now, I'm going to forward a little to the second flashback bc it becomes even more prominent there. Just remember we go from this setting:

which has its whole own colour scheme which kind of picks up the cooler, calmer colour scheme of the hospital with some of the darkness of the previous scene + some murky greenish tinge that really gives 'morgue death decay'.

Then, another boat party flashback following the same patterns as mentioned earlier:

(you might actually notice that towards the end of it, yellow is even overtaking red with its presence. I actually think it is very interesting because yellow often symbolises life, joy, vitality - but I feel like here, it really cuts closer to death and destruction. Yellow also often makes an appearance when it comes to disease, infection, putrid, sulphur, haz-maz suits etc. So yellow here definitely leans into a death and disease symbolism and I remember I already once made a post how deeply these things are associated with Blaine - who is widely regarded to be the zombie Patient Zero, considering that he was already high on Utopium when he arrived and started drinking Max Rager - it really is fitting that he's literally wearing bright yellow here. He's kind of the most prominent source of yellow.)

Then, cut to black. Followed by this:

In the next scene, which has a really strong birth-symbolism, we see the world from Liv's perspective, after she just drowned and wakes up in a body bag and it's really ALL yellow:

until she rips open the body-bag and we see clean, calm blue again on the other side:

and then you have the beach scene, where you first see the world from Liv's perspective (ripping opening a yellow body bag to reveal blue sky).

Liv is still in red in front of the blue backdrop (and spitting up fluid, did I mention birth symbolism. She now carries the 'red' into the normal, calm and orderly world)

Cut to the emergency worker in the same light blue (at least his front) that Liv wore earlier, surrounded by emergency vehicles, stretchers, and bodies (laid out on yellow):

again, with red, yellow, and blue, with blue being in the background.

Something interesting I noticed while speeding through the episode is that we rediscover this theme mostly in the tint of the screen colour and some outfit choices: Liv always likes to wear a bit of red (something she clearly liked before, but now it kind of mirrors the red-yellow scheme:)

you also have this kind of slight yellow-ish tint in the scene with her friends and family trying to stage an intervention, with Liv knowing it is hopeless:

the scenes where she's with Ravi in the morgue or working with Clive however are much cooler, even if still dark:

Now, after Peyton gives Liv a big Talk To about how she's losing herself, we get this scene:

Now, in this scene, Liv is returning all the items she stole bc she was under the influence of cleptomaniac brain but couldn't really be bothered to fight back, because she was too depressed (among them a red eyeball, a red-framed photograph and a red snowglobe)

But also notice how in this scene, the blue and the red is combined: Both in her outfit as well as in the lighting in the second one - the red that was previous associated with blood/suffering/her new zombiefication and the blue that was associated with healing/order/her previous human life.

At the same time, red also often stands for heart-blood and passion. Now, Liv in her previous life was definitely driven and ambitious (this post was actually supposed to be about the theme of amibition on iZombie) but...mostly she was ambitious for the sake of it and mostly, by going through the motions. This is addressed in a lot of later episode and also plays a big role in relationship with her mother and her brother: Liv was a desperate people-pleaser and obsessed with being perfect, being systematic, getting the best grades. She was the golden child of her mother, who is usually held up over her brother (who still is very good at stuff, just more laid back)

We never really see her as particularly invested or passionate in medicine as a field - in fact, the show resolves without ever having her return to work in a hospital or this being a major issue. (Compare that to Major's passion for social-working) The real loss she felt was (other than losing her engagement to Major and disappointing her family) was that she was no longer helping people. But that is something she learnt in this episode she could reclaim and that she could do by using her new 'powers' in a constructive way. Combining her old life and her new life. The blue and the red.

Unfortunately tumblr doesn't allow me to post anymore pictures so I'll just verbalise it: Another important subplot of this episode is Liv's struggle to sleep. She cannot sleep and hasn't for five months. The scenes where she tries to sleep are usually kept in dark blue - with the red letters of her alarm clock showing us that she cannot sleep, counting down the minutes that she's lying awake. But in those scenes, red and blue weren't 'working together' so to speak - they were clashing. Because she can't pretend to be normal or okay. But at the same time.

Towards the end, she does manage to sleep - and towards the end, we also have a sleeping scene of her in almost perfect bright white with only a light blue tinge - the darkness is gone. Symbolising how she did get rest and calm, after she started accepting her new self.

(cut to another yellow scene, when she has a vision in her sleep of Blaine in his jacket chasing a guy in an alley with yellow-ish street lamps)

[albatrossthesoup]

Tactics Game Devlog #2

Wow! I didn't think it would take two months to make the amount of progress I'd set out to make between this devlog and my first one. I can attribute the first month to one single roadblock. The second month was implementing everything else. Game development always takes longer than you expect it to, especially when you're trying to do things the "right" way, knowing they'll make development smoother in the long run.

First off - the game is much more of a functioning game now! When you start it up, the Player turn automatically initiates. While that's happening, the game is calculating everyone's movement ranges on another thread so that by the time you start moving the cursor, everything has been sneakily loaded.

EDIT: I cannot get this gif to load consistently!! I may have to try uploading a single video from now on instead of multiple gifs. If it isn't loading for you, click here to view it.

So what single thing took me an entire month to figure out? You're looking at it in this second gif! I found myself woefully unprepared for what a new kind of challenge it would be to calculate unit movement ranges on a grid, but more importantly, apply movement penalties if enemies or obstacles are in the way. Most (all?) tactics games follow the logic that if an enemy or anything else is in your way, it impedes your movement.

As an example. If you have a movement range of say, 2, you should only be able to walk a maximum of 2 spaces in any direction. If an obstacle is adjacent to you, and the space behind it is free, you should not be able to move it to that space assuming your movement range is only 2. This turned out to be shockingly difficult to brute force my way through without looking up methods others have used. I tried a lot of different ways, and one finally worked for me.

Long story short it involves assigning each cell in the grid a movement cost, and checking each walkable space in a queue and assigning its movement cost. Definitely not something I could have figured out on my own and I am forever grateful to this YouTube uploader for this method that I was able to adapt to 3D. And as a bonus, thanks to this method I can add different terrain types that affect a unit's available movement spaces! Like bushes or desert tiles in Fire Emblem, for example.

The second month was spent playing catch-up, as I really wanted to implement some basic functionality and Player and Enemy phases next. Nothing during this period was too too challenging. It was mostly me continuing to realize how many more different steps were required to do things than I'd anticipated initially.

It probably doesn't look like much, but I did a lot of work under the hood. The enemy AI here is set so that it will pick the target with the least HP, move to it, and attack. I've got things set up so that I can easily add different types of enemy behaviors. The next big challenging step is handling the navigation for ranged attacking units, but I've set up the code in such a way and planned ahead enough that I have a pretty good idea how I'll implement that.

I feel like there's so much more I could say about how the game is functioning right now, but I'll save it for future updates. I'm going to give myself a much more generous goal for the next devlog that I technically meant to have done for this one: Player movement! Maybe I'll include a menu for player actions in addition to that. I'll have to see how long that takes.

Peace! Until next time.

Devlog Update #1

Cohost Devlog

[pbandjesse]

I had a surprisingly good day. Like nothing huge happened exactly. But I had a really nice time.

Part of it was I slept pretty good. I woke up at 650. Which was my new plan so I could leave at 720 and this worked out really well. I didn't have to rush. I got dressed and went down to see James. We chatted about the day and they sent me off to work. And it was a much nicer drive. No traffic at all. And I got to camp before 8. Amazing.

I was alone for a shocking amount of time. Like no one else came in until almost 10. But it was nice. I got a lot done.

After I printed some things I would spend most of the morning just working on my temperature blanket. I cut all the yarn for the last 11 days and it didn't take too long but it did take a good amount of the morning. And once I was done my knitting I worked on sewing down all the tails and ends from the January block. This took forever and I would work on that mostly consistently until lunch time. There were a few things I had to do. Specifically answer some emails. But I was mostly just focused on my knitting and my sewing.

I would finally get an answer about my awah class. And they had already given the class away and I felt super disrespected in the way they approached it. And I sent a pretty stern email, saying how badly this hurt my feelings. And towards the end of the day she would apologize. But I was very upset about how the entire thing was handled. It would sour the middle of my day pretty thoroughly.

I would enjoy my lunch and work on a few little things before our meeting with John the consultant. Me and Sarah would head over to the lodge to set up the tables but she had to carry 48lbs of aquarium salt to the nature building so I carried both of our laptops and mostly set up the space by myself.

We would sit in there and wait for everyone else to join us. And we talked about if we are going to continue being full time next fall. She doesn't think she will. Maybe part time. And I'm considering that option too. The thing about this grant is it was supposed to be a year but I don't know what that means. Like when is the end of that year. So I started looking into what types of jobs I might want to do. Looking at parks and rec stuff and studio assistant and work from home things. I think next year if I don't continue full time at camp I would enjoy being at the BMI again and doing some kind of computer based work l. Something I can do at home but not talk on the phone a lot. We will see what happens. But it was fun looking around.

Speaking of jobs. James did our taxes today and because my LLC made some amount of money this year we ended up owning $1500. Which honestly is not as bad as I expected. Still sucks but it could have been a lot worse. Would have been nice to get a tax return but I think those days are over.

John the consultant was fun today. I got to talk about the work I've done a lot and he seemed to recognize that I'm not just a talker, I'm a doer. I did get a little frustrated when we were talking in circles because we were calling one thing "village time" and one thing called "village program" and no one was clear about what the difference was. And Alexi and Heather kept talking about starting over with the schedule and while I don't feel precious about my schedule I don't think they understand what they are asking. Like they want more fill camp programs. And they want more free choice. But they still want everyone to do everything. And that can't work. So my big goal tomorrow is to start trying to figure out a way to do the impossible. And like they seem to think I'm sad about them not using my schedule. But that isn't it. I would honestly not mind restarting the schedule because it would give me something to do. What I am frustrated by is that no ine is being clear about what they want. I just want to have clarity.

The meeting was good though. He praised us about the teen job program. Formally the CIT "councilor in training" program. Now possibly the "Push" (puhtok ultimate service heros) program. We aren't sure what the name is yet. I just know we can't use my favorite one "Puhtok incredible service squad" (p.i.s.s.).

I let Alexi know I had to leave right at 4. And the meeting was starting to go over so after I was given my tasks for tomorrow (thank God), I ran out of there. Smiles and waves and I til next time.

It was raining. But not to hard. The problem really was the feild was very squishy. But I made it to the office and grabbed my stuff and headed out.

There wasn't a ton of traffic. And I made it home by 445. I was really happy to see James.

James was making themselves a burrito. I would have cereal and a cookie while we chatted. I would gather all my materials and James took them to the car for me. Carried my wagon too. Love my husband. I gave them a kiss and said I would see them in a few hours.

I drove over to Creative Alliance and had some trouble getting a parking space. So I had to park a little far away. But that was okay.

I actually got the time wrong! The program was actually at 630. So that was really good because their was a meeting in the classroom and I was worried I was going to have to rush set up but I hsd plenty of time.

I chatted with Parker and told him about my feelings getting hurt with awah and he agreed they didn't handle it well. And we just talked for a while. It was nice. He's very cool. I also learned that the cool girl at the desk is only there part time. Because on her real life she's a lawyer! What! That's so cool.

The women running the meeting came out in a rush apologizing about the meeting running late and I'm like. It's chill. But they kept apologizing and were super nice. They would end up taking my info to possibly have a private class. Super sweet.

I spent the next half hour setting up and working on an example. And soon my three students came in. And we had such a good time.

I talked about the history of toys for a bit. About how stuffed animals are different from other toys in form and function. And we got right into it. I showed them tips for fabric cutting and how to whip stitch and it was just a really great time. I would show them some sewing machine stuff. How to put eyes on their bears. How to do a ladder stitch. And we just talked and talked. All three women were fascinating and I really hope I get to meet them again because they were all so nice. The one girl has come to my last workshop and brought her sewing machine for some practice. She is taking a proper sewing machine class too. I admire her for jumping in so hardcore.

The other younger woman recently moved here from Chicago and she goes to theater project a lot!! Which reminds me I would like to go to theater project more again. I will have to talk to James about that.

This was a really excellent couple hours. And once we were cleaned up I checked if they would like me to sweep. They said no and I said goodbye.

I need a stop across the street to see if my missing check is anywhere. But no luck. I'll have to check with Parker tomorrow. See if they can just mail a new one here. I'll get paid eventually so I'm not to worried.

I got home a little while ago. James is playing DND with friends and will hopefully be done soon. I am very ready to go get a shower and get ready for sleep.

Tomorrow I have stuff to do! I'm really glad because it's rough begging for enrichment in my enclosure. But I have a direction now and that's all I need.

Goodnight everyone I hope.you have a great day tomorrow!!!

[ultrahpfan5blog]

The Flash Season 2 - Retrospective Review

So I just finished season 2 of The Flash last night. Thinking about it, season 2 of The Flash could be argued to be the most significant season in the Arrowverse. The introduction of the multiverse in this season blew up the Arrowverse. Because of the introduction of this concept, we were able to have the future crossovers with characters from other universes. I think both season 1 and season 2 of The Flash are incredibly significant seasons in the Arrowverse as a whole.

Season 2 of The Flash came on the back of huge expectations. The Flash season 1 was a massive success, with an end that was emotionally resonant and thrilling. I would say season 2 largely lived up to those expectations, introducing new concepts and new characters that people liked and cared about. I would say it is not quite as consistent as season 1, which I feel went on a superb run after the initial few episodes did the set up. Season 2 does have its ups and downs and there are definitely some frustrating elements in the story, but it is never not entertaining and arguably some of the best Flash episodes are in this season.

Tonally, the Flash largely sticks to what worked in the first season. The season is a good blend of light and dark. There are episodes which have big tonal shifts within an episode like in 'Enter Zoom', where the episode is largely pretty goofy until the last 10 minutes where it becomes quite dark. There are episodes, like 'The Runaway Dinosaur', that goes for the heartstrings and does it very successfully. There is the E2 two parter episode, which is some of the most fun the show has ever had during its run, delivering cool action and twists and fun doppelgangers of characters that we know.

We also get some cool supervillains like King Shark and it is genuinely impressive how the show managed to pull off having a fully CGI character like King Shark quite convincingly. Season 2 has a slightly more serialized storytelling. While season 1 had throughlines that were being followed, they were often accompanied with episode of the week villains. There is less of that in season 2. The show has a mixture of E1 and E2 supervillains on the show and there are less villain of the week episodes. We get some returning favorites like Gorilla Grodd, Weather Wizard, Trickster, RF etc... but a few new ones as well. I would say that the new villains of the week are definitely not as interesting as ones we got in season 1. The E2 metahumans, barring King Shark, are largely forgettable. The few new S1 ones are also pretty ordinary. I think Trajectory, Black Siren, King Shark, E2 Killer Frost, Reverb are probably the best of the villains in season 2.

The season's storytelling is a bit uneven compared to season 1. The first half of season 2 seems to be juggling between introducing the new concept of E2 and also doing setup for Legends of Tomorrow. There are at least 2 episodes in the first 4 episodes that are clearly aimed at setting up characters for the show. One being the Captain Cold episode, which paints the character in a more heroic light, and the other being the Firestorm episode. While these episodes aren't bad, and its always a delight to watch Miller and Grant play opposite each other, it does feel like the show was spinning its wheels initially. There is also the introduction of Kendra Saunders which is there purely for setup for the crossover and LoT. The show really only kicks into high gear from episode 5, when E2 Harrison Wells, aka Harry shows up. And then in episode we get a proper look at Zoom. The season then finds its stride for a good stretch towards the middle of the season. The crossover is fun, although handicapped by being setup for LoT, and the E2 two parter is amazing, along with some fun episodes with Grodd, King Shark, and RF. The storytelling falters a bit with the Zoom reveal. There are some things that don't quite make sense to me. The Jay Garrick we get introduced to is actually Hunter Zolomon/Zoom. A time remnant remains in E1 while the original is on E2. But E1 Hunter doesn't have speed but E2 one does. The one on E1 falls for Caitlin, but he also dies, yet the one on E2 also has all the memories of being with Caitlin. Its not completely clear to me.

There is also the entire Patty/Barry romance. I think Shantel was quite charming and she and Grant definitely had excellent chemistry but the whole relationship escalates rapidly and then ends just as rapidly. It was strange handling of that entire relationship which was a major personal arc for Barry in the first half of the season. The final stretch of episodes are also a bit frustrating. 'Versus Zoom' has the team and Barry acting like idiots, basically handing Zoom a victory. There is no explanation of how Zoom escapes the leg trap. Then 'The Runaway Dinosaur' is a terrific episode with one of Grant's best performances, but the following two episodes has Barry take the wrong learnings from that experience which ruins the effect of the episode in retrospect. While there is certainly a lot of satisfaction in watching Zoom get beaten up by Barry, the season finale is a relative disappointment compared to season 1's season finale. The whole random appearance of a device that can destroy the multiverse and Zoom challenging Barry to a race just became a little too silly. There is also the fact that the basic plot of the villain wanting Barry to get faster is a bit of a copy from season 1.

That being said, despite the inconsistencies in the Zoom story, Zoom as a villain is a big triumph. While he's a speedster, he feels very different than RF. While Thawne was manipulative and devious, Zoom is straight up brutal and terrifying. A huge credit to the design team for creating a creepy costume. I think its no doubt the best villain costume on the show. Tony Todd as the voice of Zoom is also an inspired choice. Teddy Sears is a little dull as Jay, but in retrospect, that seems by design. While Zoom is scarier when his identity wasn't revealed, Teddy Sears clearly has a lot of fun playing the villain in the last few episodes of the season.

Almost the entire cast returned minus Rick Cosnett. Grant Gustin continued to kill it as Barry. He has to go through an emotional roller coaster throughout the season. He always kills it in the emotional moments and in the comedic moments. He really is the backbone of the series. Tom Cavanaugh returns as a new iteration of Harrison Wells and he is fantastic once again. He does a terrific job distinguishing his Wells/Thawne with Harry. While Thawne has an outwardly polite demeanor, Harry is gruff and abrupt and hot tempered. He also has a great dynamic with Cisco that develops over the season. Carlos Valdez really steps it up this season. With his powers developing becoming a central part of the season, his importance in the storyline becomes much more intricate and he's great at providing the humor. Danielle Panabaker has comparatively less to do as Caitlin Snow. The romance with Jay/Hunter isn't convincing because it is difficult to buy Caitin go all heart eyes for some who she just met, just 6 months after losing Ronnie for the 2nd time. I get they didn't want to repeat the same beats from season 1, but it still doesn't really work. She has a lot more fun camping it up as E2 Killer Frost. Candice Patton is great this season. She feels a lot looser and at ease in the role, now that she isn't caught in romantic triangle with Eddie and Barry. She does have a solid emotional arc with the emergence of Francine and Wally. I also found the friendship between Barry and Iris a lot more natural this season, with Barry not constantly pining after Iris. Candice is quite a badass as E2 Iris. Jesse L. Martin, as always, delivers the goods. He has some great emotional moments peppered throughout the season, particularly in the discovery of Wally. Keiynan Lonsdale is a welcome addition as Wally. I was initially disappointed that they didn't make him younger but I understand that having a kid sidekick in live action can be problematic. Teddy Sears is excellent as Hunter Zolomon and Shantel VanSanten is charming as Patty. There are welcome returning performances, such as by John Wesley Shipp as Henry Allen and the real Jay Garrick. Violett Beane as Jesse is also wonderful.

Overall, the season is a solid 8.5/10. It doesn't have the consistency of the first season but it has extremely high highs and has a solid villain. Certainly the cliffhanger for the season was very intriguing leading into season 3.

[grubloved]

i used to always just make art and then share it because i was proud and wanted people to see my drawings. it was nice and when things blew up or moved around it was exciting and fun to see people respond to my work.

but lately the art i have been making isnt to be pretty or to inform or to provoke its purely art for me, art i make as i develop a kind of personal set of metaphors and images to help me navigate and understand my own experiences and philosophies. this is a big one of those: i have been drawing these overlapping figures a lot, for years, to express and understand something very specific and personal, something that people who do not know me personally would be unable to guess or understand from just looking at the images. but i made these nice finished versions and thought, well, i made it so i will share it! and the emotional experience of the result of that was absolutely not what i was expecting.

its been cool to see people respond to these pieces: it was fun to see people interpret and project onto the images i made, it was gratifying to see them moving forward because it was proof that other people could tell these images were alive even though they were so simple. but then they kept moving further and further out of my orbit, got crossposted to other platforms unexpectedly, were consistently interpreted through lenses that were not my intent and it became emotionally different. it was like i had taken my personal imagery of the two figures and had given it away for other people to use for things that were not what they meant. it was like the words i invented to explain myself were changed to mean something else and i couldnt use them anymore. the map of the inside of my head crossposted contextless on someone's aesthetic instagram.

ive never really had an experience like this before. it is strange and scary! it is weird! nobody's done anything wrong -- people just like my work! but i feel odd and grasping and naked and i want to snatch my sacred things back close to my chest and say no you can't have it! that is me in there! that is me!

im not sure if i have a conclusion. it is just strange. i think in the future i will keep work like this to myself until it is no longer so precious...at least until i learn how to share without feeling like it's not mine anymore.

both of me

[arbitrarygreay]

Like, Tally is easy to write about (obviously, looking at all of the posts I've made already), while I don't write much about Raelle because her stuff mostly speaks for itself, but in some ways, I think the most about Abigail, because it's so tricky to articulate her evolution. I would say that she has the most complexity and contradiction. The earliest episodes really do set up Abigail and Raelle to have a classic shounen anime core duo rivals dynamic, and then...that isn't where the show goes at all. The end of S1 is made a complete red herring. Tally claims that Abigail is a leader, but in practice, Abigail is actually consistently terrible at getting people to follow her, and she's always putting her foot in her mouth, so her big speeches often seem out of character. Whether or not that was the result of weaker writing not sure of what to do with her is unclear (compared to how much the other characters knew what they were about pretty easily). She also seemed a little bit victim to the 5-to-3-season compression, as her overall arc of becoming the true heir to Jem went from slow burn to speedrun. Still, though, some patterns are a lot more apparent on rewatch. In S1, it really is a Guel Jeturk situation. Abigail's comfort zone is systematically ripped away from her, and her competencies before that point (the haughty expertise) torn away with them.

In the wake of that, Abigail rebuilds her purpose from the ground up, discovering that she doesn't actually like the comfort zone. She's someone who prefers to live in extremis, a little bloodthirsty for things to go wrong. Notably, she falters whenever trying to perform to the experience she got from her High-Atlantic upbringing, such as when talking to the Great River Council or speaking at their DC trial. Instead, we discover that Abigail's speeches only land when she's going off the rails and encouraging others to do so. Rather than being a leader of subordinates like her mother, her role is to either follow someone else's vision, or to accomplish specific tactical goals by striking out on her own (well, with 1-2 close confidantes). She is a warrior, not a soldier. (Although the show never gets around to deciding if the Bellweather clan overall had lost their way for becoming soldiers instead.) (The problem is that this works at cross purposes to all of the times the show sets up expectations that the Bellweather Unit should excel by doing exceptional resonance things, before making them split up all of the time. The S1 witchbomb red herring was the worst example of this. We see them develop those strong devotional feelings for each other, but it doesn't actually express itself in their work until the series finale, so that kind of rang false. Compare especially to Little Witch Academia, where the synergy was much more overt.)

[versary]

ok so officially done with the workouts! still have a few days for submissions &c., so i won't know the leaderboard/rankings until probably late next week. BUT

yesterday i did workout 2:

awful!! i have never liked wall balls or identified as particularly good at them either, but i'm pretty good a burpees, BUT this is a long time domain for a couplet like this. so i was like, ok, set your expectations low and move slowly but continuously. i was hoping to get two rounds out and then anything else would be gravy. anyway, broke the wall balls up as 12-11-10-9-8 every set, and just moved slowly on the BBJOs and made it into the third round! i got back to the box with 10 seconds on the clock and made two reps, which put my score at 252, which i'm very happy about. i'm also very happy about my mindset during the workout - i was determined to have fun so i was heckling the other girls a little bit and chatting to my judge who was telling me to shut the fuck up and do another rep haha. it was hard and i wouldn't do it again but i'm really proud of my effort.

today i did workout 1:

we did this as a big group and a lot of the peeps from the morning classes stuck around to support us. i was super nervous going in, but again was determined to have a good time! went touch-n-go on the snatches (6+2 mostly, except round two where i went 6+4 haha), rowed HARD to get 15-16 cal out, and then plodded my way through 12-13 step ups. i'm a good rower and i have good unilateral strength but my lack of height put me at a little bit of a disadvantage on these movements compared to the other girls but i worked hard and did my best and i'm happy with my final score (144). this one i feel like i could do again knowing that i could get 10 snatches each round and be okay, but i am definitely not doing that since scores are due 5 am tomorrow! it was definitely a funny workout - caitlin got SIGNIFICANTLY more reps than me, but she was only doing like 3-4 extra snatches per round, and 1-2 extra step ups per round - it's crazy how those extra reps add up! but i had a really good time.

i've basically had a dream run this year and i'm feeling very strong and very fit and it's nice to go into these workouts feeling confident. my training has been so consistent since we started prep for the down under champs last year so i've had a solid 6 months of hard training - plus, having caitlin and alice and leish to chase and be chased by has done wonders for me. i love training with these incredible women. what a dream!

[theohonohan]

Review: The Sharing Economy (2023) by Sophie Berrebi

Sophie Berrebi is a French woman who writes about art. She is based in Amsterdam. I have read some interesting things on her website in previous years, so when I learned that she had written a novel, I decided to give it a try. The Kindle edition was only 99p.

The cover of Berrebi’s novel, The Sharing Economy, doesn’t look like it was designed by a professional, despite the reputation of the publisher. There is serif text in white on a background of orange and pink sea anemones. A few years ago, images of marine life were trendy in artists’ film, so it’s not an outlandish image for the cover. It does have a connection to the text, as well. More than anything else, though, the cover resembles the cover of Crudo by Olivia Laing, which incorporates a (pretty good!) photo by Wolfgang Tillmans.

Now, I gather Olivia Laing is bad news: self-absorbed and lacking in empathy as well as being pretentious. So the fact that the publisher is seemingly trying to market Berrebi’s book to the same audience was not encouraging. The blurb describes it as “Three Women meets Crudo”. But, having checked the GoodReads reviews for The Sharing Economy, I went ahead anyway. I hardly ever read novels, and I understand it’s a big activity for women of a certain class and age, so why not try it, for a change.

The sex-positive premise of The Sharing Economy is that it is 2014 and Gabrielle, 45, a writer, wife and mother, has decided that she wants to experiment with an open relationship, using the newly available Tinder app to find hookups. In many respects, Gabrielle resembles Sophie Berrebi: she is a writer and curator who lives in Amsterdam and works in the artworld. So I think the tag “autofiction” could probably safely be applied to this book, even though it’s not made clear how much is invented and how much is autobiographical.

The writing is pretty good—the texture of the book feels fine, even though English is not (as far as I know) Berrebi's first language. I quickly stopped worrying about the quality of the prose, or the verisimilitude of Berrebi's Amsterdam, and started paying attention to the psychology of the characters. Gabrielle doesn’t seem all that self-aware: she claims not to understand how anyone could have a “type”, but then goes on to consistently match with a particular variety of younger, thin, geeky type of man. On one occasion she turns away from a date because the man looks too heavy-set “for it to work” (she makes her excuses by text message). There’s not much discussion of the online, digital aspect of the relationships—no talk of “text chemistry” or the peculiarities of computer-mediated communication. Presumably, it all goes very easily for her. At one point, one of Gabrielle’s artworld colleagues describes Tinder’s “swiping” mechanic as “ergonomically interesting”, but the idea is not pursued. Berrebi compares the ephemeral presence of Tinder profiles on the mobile phone screen with the changing occupants of a tram Gabrielle is travelling on. To me, dismissal seems to be the predominant aspect of this digital interaction. Many, many profiles are cast aside in the search for a few specious attractive leads. There's no sense in which the novel probematizes Tinder—quite the opposite, in fact.

The sex is “no strings attached”, at least for the first part of the book. Gabrielle confides in a friend that she feels like she has “unlimited access to the cookie jar”. This isn’t much of a disclosure, but it’s almost the only clue the book offers about Gabrielle’s psychic interiority. She doesn’t seem to have identifiable “concerns”; all the promiscuity is in the service of her own amusement, in a fairly shallow sense. She doesn’t really hit it off with any of the people she sleeps with, at least, not until later in the book. In 2014, issues like climate change, immigration, and gentrification might have been expected to make an appearance among the thoughts of someone in Gabrielle’s position, but they aren’t mentioned. Perhaps I should read Lisa Taddeo’s Three Women in order to calibrate the impression I’m getting here.

Based on my previous experience with Berrebi’s writing, I was expecting this book to offer some insights into art, curating and how Amsterdam’s artworld works. Somehow she manages to make it all seem like a lacklustre business. This may be entirely intentional, but it was a disappointment for me.

In perhaps the key passage of the book. Gabrielle reflects on her memories of the experiment:

I looked around the room again, but the reality was that only Väinö, Sofija and Emil bridged my family and my other life. All the others belonged to a concealed, secret, second life, my space outside of domesticity and marriage, and for that very reason they would never taste my cooking or be welcome in my home.  And yet, those were the people with whom I had lived some of the most intense moments of the last eight months, the most exciting adventures, the most powerful experiences. Moments when I had truly been myself. Several of them had become little more than just a name, or an address: however hard I tried to remember their faces, to conjure up a hair colour, the shade and texture of skin, nothing more came to mind. Still, they were part of that story. A jumble of details came hurtling back. The softness of someone’s lips, the colour of the sheets on a bed, the joyful, peaceful or lugubrious atmosphere of a house, the squeakiness of the leather on a sofa. I remembered hands holding their hardened cocks, and of being in someone’s arms. The delicious shiver down the spine when a hand slipped under my top or my skirt, and when a hand pulled off my tights. Those faint images and faded sensations made up my real map of the city. The network of people and addresses thanks to which I could now orientate myself, find my place in Amsterdam. I remembered small flats in improbable neighbourhoods, even smaller ones perched under the roofs of seventeenth-century merchant houses; flats in nineteenth-century workers’ houses with paper-thin walls, in brand new high-rises in the business district, in art deco housing estates near the Mercatorplein. I remembered hairy and hairless torsos, skinny feet sticking out of duvets, coffees being stirred nervously in bars, and glasses of water thirstily downed after sex. I remembered being undressed and dressing up again, looking for underwear in the folds of the sheets, feeling light-headed and noticing my voice had become husky after too much shouting. Those fragments, bits and scraps of life were indelible even as the rest of those meetings fell into oblivion. They felt more real, more pregnant at any rate than the artist studios I had visited, the reports I had typed up, the meetings I had attended, some weekends spent with Victor and Anton, the articles I had written and the books I had read. Those intimate experiences were the things that made the hairs on the back of my arms rise and sent shivers down the small of my back as I remembered them sitting in the living room at the end of my party. That was my real life, half clandestine perhaps, but one that really mattered. I had been more intimate with these men whose names I could not all remember than with the people who had come to the party.

Towards the end of the book, Gabrielle starts seeing women, including another curatorial type. This relationship is the first to have arisen quasi-organically, in the sense that it doesn’t start with a match on Tinder. Gabrielle envies and admires the other woman—admires her to the extent that her husband, Anton, suggests that the attraction might be narcissistic. By that point in the book I was not surprised to find that Berrebi leaves this remark to speak for itself. Gabrielle is not one for soul-searching. She is not exactly superficial, but seems to be committed to celebrating immediacy. Berrebi seems to want to write this woman’s story in a way that avoids any hint of bookishness or stuffiness, or indeed of maternal instincts. Maybe she takes this agenda a bit too far.

[moondeathhorror]

saw x good

Spoilers for Saw X, obviously, but also the rest of the franchise.

What people who haven't seen Saw don't get about it is that it's not exactly torture porn—it's basically a soap opera centered around John Kramer, the Jigsaw Killer, that has torture porn elements. In fact, I think this dual identity is essential to any entry in the franchise, and you need to be invested in both halves for a Saw movie to really work.

So far, I can't think of a Saw that has truly failed on the "torture porn" half. Each movie features at least one or two solid traps (even Spiral!), and they manage to be pretty consistently inventive, letting them be memorable even when the characters trapped in them are lame as all hell. No, where Saw more often fails is on the "soap opera" angle, and that's because unfortunately, the series is bad about keeping good characters around.

ah fuck we killed that guy

The shoestring budgets, rapid production schedule, and hot-potato hiring of the Saw movies ensured that at no point would anyone get to sit down and pre-produce much of anything. Films kept getting greenlit and what are you gonna do, not have a Saw movie out in time for Halloween and the annual "Give 'Til it Hurts" blood drive?? Stupid fool. Of course they were gonna rush the first technically cogent thing out the door and onto the screen! And that's what they did—from 2004 (first Saw) until Saw VII in 2010, there was one out every year.

This seat-of-the-pants mode of writing gave rise to a Saw formula that relied on both a constant stream of pivotal deaths and a sensational twist in the last act. Every film needed a big character reveal, and because the only three real categories in the franchise are "Jigsaw apprentice", "trap victim", and "police", you can guess what happened. The identity of the Saw franchise became, not only torture porn, but the breathless story of Kramer and his apprentices outfoxing the police, complete with blackmail, skulduggery, and betrayal.

This caused some issues, but the Saw series got around these by being famously nonlinear. You kill Kramer in Saw III because you need a big-shock ending? That's OK! Let's hide a tape in his stomach and set the next movie at the same time! You need a big twist for the "final" Saw movie that upends everything we knew so far? Fuck it just show that Wesley was an apprentice the whole time!

The garbled wall of Polaroids and string that is Saw's timeline is a direct consequence both of the quick productions and the third-act twist expectation. Maybe it's confusing and stupid, but it's a central part of the franchise. Saw's story would be nothing without the constant twists and knots. And we care about this constant twisting and untwisting because we've gotten invested in the characters, or at least the character of John Kramer and his constellation of apprentices, and by extension the efforts of the cops to catch them.

so why doesn't Jigsaw work?

A few would argue it does! I have one friend in particular who resolutely insists that it is overhated (though even she would say "works" is a strong word).

What I feel about Jigsaw is that it is uncomfortable with being a Saw film and performs Saw unconvincingly. It's got a scene with Kramer because of course it's gotta have a scene with Kramer, but it's more invested in him giving Jigsaw's new villain that apprentice cred. It's got traps, obviously, but Buckethead and the death collars are kinda aped from previous movies. It's got the detective story and silly reveal going on, but many of Logan's actions feel performed specifically for the benefit of the audience (ironically, empty and theatrical), so it falls flat.

Fundamentally, I think Jigsaw is a bit embarrassed about being a Saw movie and thinks the solution to that is insistent self-seriousness rather than leaning in. It also looks higher-budget, like more of a production, than the previous films, but feels less distinctive as a result. To be honest, I'm a bit of a Spiral defender in this regard; even though it's a bad movie, it is at least successful in doing something new with the franchise, adding some comedy to it and creating a different guy, as compared to Jigsaw, which seems interminably indecisive, uncomfortable with what it is.

back to Kramer

The centerpiece of Saw X's engoodening. X seems committed to making Kramer the protagonist, which is hilarious to watch—the scene in which he calculates the position of Cecilia's hideout is shot, graded, and lit almost like a prestige drama. When we see that he's sketching out the Rack, there's no scary sting, it's just another silly wacky thing lovable old Tobin Bell is thinking about! We even see him display real remorse when Carlos gets caught up in his trapping of Cecilia's gang. X does what no Saw film before has yet had the balls to do and goes straight to "John Kramer as sympathetic protagonist". There's no soap opera in the previous two, no Jigsaw je nais sas quoi. They're clean, pretty, open-and-shut, fucking stupid on a level far too simple.

John Kramer's introduction changes all of this. We get the immediate investment that attends the series regular, the entry is instantly building on already-established events (or, as is Saw's way, awkwardly inserting new ones edgewise), and the trap setup feels like a true return to Jigsaw-Killer form. It's not that the trial maze format is a bad one per se, but you don't need it to make a good Saw movie, and so the creators went without.

lean the fuck in

Essentially, Saw X is a good movie because it is a committed and enthusiastic addition to the Saw franchise. It's not trying to reboot or factory-reset everything. it knows that the characters it has created are magnetic and so it brings them back. It's not trying to add new elements to the franchise that aren't really necessary, like wacky comedy hijinks or Logan. It delivers on the "torture porn" and it delivers as an additional episode in the Ballad of John Kramer, giving it the elements that it needs to succeed as a worthy entry in the Book of Saw.

[crystalelemental]

Special Costume Select Scouts (September 2023)

Now we have two Special Costume Select Scouts to choose from. Let's talk about the options available.

Select A

SC Diantha - A very sensible choice, especially for those who missed NC Hop. Diantha, oddly enough, has remained the premiere Fighting-type damage dealer in the game. Yeah, like even now, she's second best, only losing to Hop, and it's by a slim margin. Keldeo rules. If you have Aura Cynthia, you're likely able to handle all Fighting-weak content just off Bruno, but if you were craving a serious powerhouse in the type, Diantha's really hard to beat. That said, 1/5 has excellent DPS, but notably loses a lot of sync power. Diantha will still get it done, but she's definitely the type that looks longingly at 3/5.

SC Ingo - Bug Zone. That is realistically the only real value of a 1/5 Ingo. He has some odd utility, in a bit of physical debuffing (which doesn't align to any top meta Bugs except his brother), and a twinge of speed when he sets Bug Zone so it's not much. The evasion is cute but often irrelevant. If you invest to 3/5, he's an excellent nuke, but that's a pretty big if. Most Zone setters exist for 1/5 utility, and Ingo's no different. He's a bit worse off, this is really not a great Zone support, but Bug is in bad shape so there's an argument for him if you have SS Hilbert, Alder, or SC Emmet.

SC Emmet - Speaking of whom, SC Emmet is the big physical Bug man. I will be frank. 1/5 SC Emmet without EX is effectively without merit. I've had him for over a year, and let me tell you, the man does not accomplish squat. This is a guy who needs investment. And ideally that investment is EX. 1/5 EX can make it work. Natural Rising Tide is hugely valuable, and is his primary sync effect. Just do not expect him to do much in Gauntlet. I think I've benched him every single time.

SC Hilda - I adore SC Hilda. Rock damage is fairly hard to come by, and our Rock Striker collection is uh. Limited. Classic Blue, Emmet, and SC Hilda are still the big three, after like two years. Seriously. SC Hilda and SC Diantha remaining in power this long is kinda funny. That said, Hilda is my personal favorite of the three. While her damage numbers are overall worse off, Hilda succeeds by virtue of consistency. Emmet is the strongest, but only under Sandstorm; without it, he's substantially worse. Classic Blue is stronger on Hyper Beam, but has worse sync, and much rougher setup (defense drops compared to Hilda buffing defense every attack). Her gauge is also fantastic, with a bit of speed boosting and Fuel Economy compared to the others with 4-bar and Blue praying for Free Moves Next to proc. I will sing Hilda's praises endlessly, but Rock isn't...terribly hard to shop for? It is, but also we now have Gordie and Roark, who are pretty excellent. So it's a little harder to justify her? Especially considering those three are good, but not great. Rock is not a very strong type right now.

SC Lyra - Okay. SC Lyra is a very, very bad time. I'm willing to argue this until I'm blue in the face, despite the fact I might get her today. Lyra's problem is she's slow. She has terrible speed, and her buffing is +1 per action, dependent on what you want. Crit boosting is on grid and expensive to acquire. Attack boosting is every time she is hit. The only stat she buffs quickly is Defense. Her unique niche is her AoE Rebuff on Earthquake, but for Ground? She offers far, far too little to be exceptional for the type. She's in a terrible position with little being given. I know Support are generally always nice, but in this case? I'd sincerely argue she's the bottom of the barrel.

SC Zinnia - But now we must speak of the zenith. SC Zinnia is my personal pick for the best of this set. If you have NC Marnie, there is justification to not pull Zinnia. Otherwise...man there is no one who competes. Even NC Marnie is worse in my eyes, and I'm being so serious. It requires 3/5, granted, but come on. She's stupid good. 1/5 has merit too. Significantly less, but there are two benefits she provides. First, the ability to take Five Stats +3 parameter, and just eat all those buffs for herself in one action. Second, if you have NC Calem, his trainer move with her X Atk All immediately caps offenses of the entire team, which is perfect for Masked Royal. She has crazy utility even early on, and becomes one of the best units in the game by 3/5. Absolutely exceptional value.

Select B

SC Steven - I'm starting off with the obvious winner. If you don't have yourself an SC Steven, get yourself an SC Steven. 1/5 is perfectly sufficient, and gives such overwhelming attack bonuses to physical damage dealers it's insane. Partnered with SS Acerola, Fire and Grass types become effectively unbeatable if they're physically inclined. And that's before factoring in the buddy move, which has hilarious niche utility like Restrain, which powers up Selene specifically. He's amazingly strong.

SC Lillie - I'm not mad about it... Lillie is really good. At 3/5. At 1/5, she offers an incredibly limited buffing kit. 3/5 is her main niche, where she gets the option for double Potion MPR, and the tools to make her incredibly fast at buffing Sp Atk/crit to cap. Consistent healing every time she's attacked is also nice. Lillie is very good, and well worth considering if you already have SC Steven.

SC Sonia - Sonia's pretty bad. Like, the only time I saw her get any substantial utility was with Adaman/SS Acerola. Adaman really gave her a lot of tools as a dual strike component, but it's with the caveat that she must be 3/5 for Defense Crush 9. Otherwise, any offensive option can get the job done. Grass is also pretty well saturated, so it's not like she does much that's unique. As a Hit the Gas striker with poor speed, she operates on the SS Giovanni wavelength of "being terrible." I really cannot recommend her at all.

SC Guzma - Guzma's funny, but terrible. He has some notable fame as the guy who hits with the force of god, but only after missing three times and then landing Dynamicpunch. It's incredibly slow, and incredibly not worth your time.

SC Shauna - I actually like SC Shauna. I think the outfit is cute. But she's only okay. A good Gauntlet soloist for those who care about that stuff, and generally useful in that mode regardless. But for CS it's very hard to slot her in over alternatives. 1/5 is just that much worse. Shauna interacts with stages on the basis that she can sustain, and without Potion MPRs at all, she's going to seriously struggle with sustain given her inability to directly boost defenses. She needs investment.

SC Jasmine - Okay, now this one's for me. Barring SC Steven, I am going to argue, legitimately, that SC Jasmine is better than SC Lillie. I'm going to fail! Lillie has a high flinch rate and faster boosting to offenses (kinda)! But listen. Jasmine has serious utility. MGR9 and Mind Games 4 on Absorb is huge for a fairly slow pair. Flash Cannon with On a Roll 9 and two MGRs can be used on teams with faster allies and some speed boosting. She has Safety Net naturally, which makes her an excellent EX choice. All Ramped Up at 3/5 gives her the ability to, in two turns, +4 Sp Atk, +6 Sp Def, and +3 crit Jasmine gives the more important crit rate faster, and compresses bulk in Sp Def into the same role. With X Regen All, she approximates Lillie's passive healing. Oh, and she has built-in Vigilance, so her lucky skill is basically free money. Jasmine is excellent, and I've personally found better use for her than Lillie. Both are excellent choices, but my preference will always be for Jasmine.

Final Thoughts SC Zinnia and SC Steven are the incredibly obvious picks for these. If you don't have either, I strongly recommend the pickup if you have the gems. Zinnia is legitimately my favorite pair of the year, so I'd recommend her over SC Steven, but Steven has objectively better utility for cheaper.

Provided you have those, it's trickier. In set A, it's legitimately a free for all. If you like Zones, Ingo is a good pick, while the other three are your choice between whichever offensive type you need most. In set B, Lillie or Jasmine are top priority as supports. Both are excellent. Shauna's ranked below them because she's got it fairly rough, but it's a lot better off than Sonia or Guzma, who are pretty niche.

[being-of-rain]

A stream of random thoughts from my Classic Who watch, now the second half of season 20.

20 seasons down! Not far to go before the end of the year. Also I don’t know when these watchthrough posts got so long; I remember when I just wrote a few sentences for some of the second Doctor stories. Apologies to anyone who are actually trying to read these, because I do not proofread them 😂

I forgot to mention it in my last post, but I thought it was funny how Mawdryn Undead started for the Tardis team; almost all of the Fifth Doctor’s stories start with a link to the previous story, but this one had the Doctor actually giving some explanations about the conclusion of Snakedance which we didn’t get in the episode. Speaking of, is the Fifth Doctor era the one with the most stories that follow directly on from the previous? Not even the First and Second Doctors were this consistent. I’m pretty sure a lot of the gaps Big Finish and EU stories try to find don’t actually work jsdlkfj. Pretty ironic that maybe the only story to not get an immediate follow up is Time-Flight, which readers of all my infodump posts know is the one I most want a scene immediately following. It did allow Big Finish to guiltlessly slip in months or years worth of travels with Five and Nyssa though.

Onto the new stories. Terminus is another one that felt like it could’ve been an episode shorter. Or maybe two. It started to feel a bit ridiculous when you watch Nyssa get carried away from the room she was being kept in just as someone was coming to rescue her for the second or third time. The first episode felt like the best, a bit more contained than the others in a different ship, and the reveal that it’s a plague ship at the end was very dramatic (until I couldn’t stop laughing at Olvir’s delivery of “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE” anyway). I enjoyed the Tardis scenes at the start of the story. Turlough sneaking around and breaking stuff then trying to act innocent with Tegan is great. Please give us more fucked-up bastard companions, I’m begging. Also hey! A mention of Adric! I was honestly expecting there to be a lot more references to Adric’s death, probably because authors in the EU pick up on it a lot, but I was surprised that this is basically the only one so far since the middle of Time-Flight. So it was nice to see him mentioned here, even if it wasn’t in the most meaningful way. That said, it was a very nice touch seeing the same old props in Adric’s room as there had been in Earthshock, and Tegan almost absent-mindedly taking one as a memento. Other random thoughts. The skull door turning up in Nyssa’s room was extremely goth and cool. It’s an aesthetic that did get a bit old with the rest of the plot as the story wore on, unfortunately. There was some good and rather modern-feeling anti-capitalism thrown in there though. I didn’t take not of when “I’ll explain later” started getting common in the show, but it really feels like a staple of the Fifth Doctor (classic Five avoiding difficult conversations). The garn is adorable and helpful and I cannot believe anyone would scream as loudly at the sight of him as people do in this story. The creation of the universe is such a random-feeling thing to throw into the grungy little setting, and the destruction of the universe is such absurdly high stakes. Is it really that easy to create and destroy the universe? Damn. I almost forgot that this was Nyssa’s last story. It doesn’t feel particularly notable, and she spends a lot of time captured and unconscious. Oh and predictably, I loved the character moment in the middle of the story where Turlough asks Tegan if she could kill someone. I adore taking the characters who jar against each other the most and forcing them to be stuck together, like Tegan and Turlough in the vents here or Tegan and Adric captured together in The Visitation.

Enlightenment is good! Perhaps still slightly too long, but better than most other stories before it. The space ships are a very cool setting (very Treasure Planet. Has any other media used the idea?) and they get a very good dark and oppressive tone. Not in a way that’s immediately obvious, but a subtle way that you think about how small a ship like that is, and how it’s staffed by people who can read your mind and control the matter around you. The fact that Marriner started following Tegan around and not taking no for an answer made it all feel particularly claustrophobic and horrifying for her, so I can’t blame her at all for wanting to go back to the Tardis. This is also maybe the most interesting story of the trilogy for Turlough. How he uses his charming, weaseling ways to try and help the Doctor is fun to watch, it’s so different to how most companions operate. And I love that delicious character moment near the end of part two when Turlough betrays someone in front of the Doctor, and the Doctor looks disappointed and Turlough looks ashamed, but there’s a sullen air of something else too. Like they both knew a moment this was coming, but it was still awful for both of them to live through. Poor Turlough. I think it’s a shame he doesn’t get more golden opportunities to try to kill the Doctor in the trilogy, which would’ve made the whole thing more interesting. As it is he just doesn’t get many opportunities at all, and spends most stories just causing a little bit of trouble with the hope that it will somehow get the Doctor out of the way. I’m not sure the conclusion of Turlough’s arc at the very end of the trilogy is particularly satisfying either, with a symbolic choice to hand over the Doctor for wealth. I’d adore seeing this exact plot done again in New Who honestly, with a modern-day focus on character arcs and emotional storytelling. The way the White Guardian banishes the Eternals is pretty cold-hearted. It’s always strange to see some scripts have the Doctor act as though the White Guardian is the good guy, when even back in the 70s and 80s you can see the seeds that would grow into the idea that basically everyone has about the Guardians nowadays: that chaos and order do not equal evil and good. I’d also love to see the Guardians turn up in New Who incidentally. I don’t care if they’re unbelievable or inherently cheesy. It’d also follow up on the White Guardian’s warning at the end of Enlightenment that the Doctor should beware his third meeting with the Black Guardian... something that never happened on TV. I looked at the list of EU stories the BG appears in, and almost all of them are set before Enlightenment, only the Key 2 Time trilogy is set after it, and as fun as that depiction of the Guardians is, it doesn’t at all line up with the warning here. Random thoughts. I love how when Turlough is playing chess at the start of the story, he’s playing white. The Eternals say that they apparently hid the Tardis inside the Doctor’s mind?? Now that’s a throwaway line that you could write an entire script about. Nice to have an Aunt Vanessa reference for Tegan. I’d love to see the Eternals appear some more as well (Tardis wiki apparently counts the villains from Can You Hear Me? as Eternals because some short story said so, which annoys me a little because they’re explicitly not Eternals in the episode). Five in an all-black wetsuit looks fantastic jskdjf. Finally, after the last episode, I listened to the start of some audios set soon after it- Freakshow and Cobwebs. And is it just me or is Tegan written and performed a lot more aggressively in the EU? She was a bit more excitable early in her time on TV, but by Enlightenment she seems a lot slower to get into a fight. All of her issues with him on TV, which are few are far between, are quite tame compared to her attacks on him in Big Finish. I can’t yet tell if I don’t like the audios apparent flanderisation of her, or if I can appreciate them finding ways to make the companions more engaging, which Fifth Doctor era Who sometimes needs.

The King’s Demons is only two episodes, but even then it feels like a pretty weak plot to fill it. The way it ends after the Doctor and co steal Kamelion by bundling him into the Tardis, leaving the Master and his mess behind to sort itself out is weird. It’s so funny when Turlough calls the Master “whoever you are” near the end of the story, because you realise no one’s explained it to him. The Doctor and Tegan have substantial history with this guy, but Turlough’s just like “who’s this dickhead.” When the Master has Turlough at his mercy, I think it would’ve been cool to see him tempt the boy with power or freedom or something only for Turlough to shoot it down, just to show how he’s grown spending time with the Doctor. You know, the old special effects almost never bother me in Classic Who, and I can deal just fine with the slow story pacing. But the one thing I miss from New Who is the focus on character development and emotional growth, which I’ve said before. Idk if I’m using the right terminology to explain what I mean, but yeah. I adore antagonist-to-companions like Turlough, and I’d kill to see a good showrunner do a story arc with one in New Who. Give me a villain or hired assassin who we get to see grow bit by bit into one of the Doctor’s strongest allies, or even best friends. Also, at one point Turlough says of the Master “he’s the evil one,” and the emphasis in the delivery was so weird. The line was clearly meant to be ‘he’s the evil one,’ as opposed to the Doctor being evil, but it came out ‘he’s The Evil One,’ like Turlough’s gone all spiritual and giving the Master a title. I notice line deliveries like that surprisingly often in Big Finish audios, like the actors clearly misinterpreted what the line is trying to convey, and it always makes me feel like the director should’ve stopped to correct them. I guess there wasn’t much time for that in Classic Who though. I did just remember one delicious moment in the story when the King (actually Kamelion under the Master’s control) forces the Doctor to either let the Master be executed, or let an innocent man be executed in his place. I mean, morally it’s a pretty obvious choice, but the Doctor’s face when he’s forced to consciously condone the execution of his old friend, combined with the sting of realising that the Master had created the scenario himself to force him to admit it, was some tasty drama. It’s hilarious how Kamelion is introduced like a proper companion at the end when we all know his fate and the curse of Kamelion jsdkfj. Though it would’ve been cool to see him in more Dr Who stories, I really need to get round to the few audios with him in it. And finally, the Doctor is a real dick at the end to Tegan, damn. Chill out dude. First you leave Tegan behind, then you get so attached to her that you guilt her into staying with you.

The Five Doctors! A classic. And honestly, good pacing too! At least, it feels like good pacing 😂 There might be some parts where not much happens for a while, but there’s always fun things like fan-service to keep my attention. It being edited into one long episode probably helps, as opposed to being cut into multiple episodes that draw your attention to the fact that one or two of them barely have any plot in them jfsdkljf. Also I just checked, and it looks like The Five Doctors is the longest single episode of Doctor Who. I’ve got the TV Movie at 1 hr 25 min, The Power of the Doctor at 1 hr 27 min, and The Five Doctors at 1 hr 30 min. I don’t have much to say about it as a whole, so I’ll just go through my notes more or less in order! I love the new console reveal at the start, it’s lovely. And the Tardis team actually getting free time to relax is a cute change of pace too! Turlough doing some drawing is a sweet little hobby for him to have, and (thinking of Four to Doomsday) now I want him and Tegan to do some art sessions together, maybe rope Five into it as well. Tegan’s once again very put together in a crisis when the Doctor starts having his cosmic angst. I think the Doctor must have seen the potential in her when he named her as the crew coordinator to keep everyone together in Castrovalva, she’s really grown into the role. I wonder why Borusa chose to kidnap Sarah Jane- presumably the same reason he kidnapped the Doctor’s enemies. To play on the Doctor’s curiosity and need for a good story? I don’t know, he says something about “a game within a game.” Honestly Borusa acts fully cracked later in the story, not at all like any other depiction of him. It would’ve been nice to get more reason why he was acting like that. Maybe he’s just a fan of the K9 & Company spin-off. Though it just occurred to me that he also kidnapped Susan by herself, she was just the only protagonist to be shown getting time scooped. Shame, that could’ve been cool. Also with Sarah Jane, why was she so ready to ignore K9′s warning of extreme danger? Is he the dog who cried wolf before? And when he says that the Doctor is involved, Sarah dismisses him with “well now I know you’re imagining things.” Why??? Is she that pissed off at him for not coming back to pick her up again? Girl’s got issues. Also, she was extremely not here for this whole adventure, complaining the whole time. I think I would be like that if I had my day all planned out, I barely had enough social energy to run a quick errand, and suddenly I was transported to Gallifrey for an adventure. I’d be like “can I go back to my bedroom yet.” I’ve always appreciated how location shooting from the unfinished Shada was used so that Tom Baker could still be represented with some previously unaired footage. That’s a good example of using the resources available to you when your story hits a snag in real life. Three treats the Master so suspiciously, it’s hilarious. Seeing him casually steal the high council seal is so funny especially when you know he keeps it with him until all the way in The Time of the Doctor. I also got a laugh out of “Now what do we do, fly?” and “What are we going to do now?” “Die.” Keep living your best melodramatic life Turlough. Everyone i this story has garbage eyesight. Susan and One not seeing the Tardis in an open field until they’re like 10 metres away, Five and Susan and Tegan not spotting the Cybermen until they’re somehow surrounding them, the Cybermen later getting a full eyefull of Tegan and One before they duck out of cover. The staging of some of this story is just so poor. Is this a case of bad directing? Lack of time? Bad location filming? Some bits just make me think that surely, surely that could have filmed that better somehow. Five meeting Susan was so weird. She seems very excited to meet him, but he just stares at her starstruck and dramatically, and they end up just standing there looking at each other like the world’s most awkward family reunion. I swear to god, every second Fifth Doctor story has me wanting to grab his lapels and tell him to go to therapy jsdljkfhslkdjf. It was funny and cute how everyone (except One) in Rassilon’s tomb was excited to see the Brigadier. Team Tardis’ blorbo. Later when the Master turns up, the first three Doctors do a wicked combo dunk on him which is always funny to watch, but does Two even know who he is?? I suppose you could say he met the Master recently (in the EU) and quicklly figured out this is a new body, but I think its funnier if he just sees his other selves wrecking this random dude decides to join in just for fun :3 Gosh I love companion meet-ups in multi-Doctor stories, so it’s a shame that this story, and a fair few other multi-Doctor stories, are much more interested in the different Doctors interacting than their companions. Give us companions from different eras getting to know each other, or the Doctor chatting with a past or future friend. I’m trying to think of good examples, and one that springs to mind is the final episode of The End of The Beginning. And Daughter of the Gods. Even The Light at the End. And I really have to get round to reading Cold Fusion someday. Why is the First Doctor the one to figure out the trap of Rassilon when none of the other Doctors do? It’s weird when multi-Doctor stories act like the earlier Doctors are wiser than later Doctors purely because of out-of-universe nostalgia, when surely it should be the other way around. I like when One is depicted as the flawed adventurer that he is, acting like he’s wise and forging a new path when in reality he’s still taking with him a lot of the biases and things to unlearn from Gallifrey. Daughter of the Gods is good at depicting that (honestly it’s one of the best multi-Doctor stories ever, it does so many things well). In any case, the stone faces coming alive are still such a cool and unnerving effect that help to really sell the ending of the story. Also, I’d forgotten that Two has a line earlier about how there are rumours that Rassilon was a cruel man, it’s neat to start the start of the transition of the character into full villain. Is Flavia like the only member of the high council left at the end of the story?? Why on earth did they send high council members into the Death Zone to investigate it before the start of the story? If Flavia just becomes President by default, it’s little wonder her reign is mentioned to be a bit of a disaster in the EU (This reminds me, I’m excited to one day listen to Time In Office, the audio about Five being president for a bit). The episode has a great line to end on. And I like the end credits music as well! Gotta have some cool end credits music in an anniversary story I guess.

I’m looking forward to getting into more Five/Tegan/Turlough stories in season 21! They’re such a fun team. Again, apologies for saying so, but I think that losing Adric and Nyssa has left the show with the strongest actors and the most interesting characters. I’m looking forward to seeing how Turlough is characterised, and learning more about him in his final story. Also, since I didn’t find anywhere else to say it, I do like a characteristic hand gesture like the one Turlough does with his fingertips together in front of him. Going to pepper that into my own life for a bit just for funsies.

[watchmegetobsessed]

Floating Through Space - Harry Styles

a/n: im literally bursting from excitement over this, i’ve been working on this fic for so long and im pretty satisfied with how it turned out so i hope you’ll like it too! pleas please PLEASE don’t let this flop bc it means a lot to me 🥺 the song featured in the fic is obviously an existing one, i linked it into the right place so you can listen to it and get the vibe of it, that song is what inspired the whole story so i recommend giving it a listen! leave your thoughts and reactions, i can’t wait to read what you thought about the fic!!

pairing: Harry x Famous!Reader

warning: drug use, smut and everything thats wrong with patriarchy lmao

word count: 25.7k

masterlist

This dressing room is no different than the other one thousand you’ve been to. The plaster on the wall is all cracked up, the red bricks peeking from under it in the corner, the dusty couch looks like it’s been through hell and just sitting on it would probably give you STDs. The mirror on the wall is cracked, the few water bottles you’ve gotten are not even cooled, they’re a warm room temperature. The glorious life of a musician, right?

Moments like this you question why you didn’t just choose to be the obedient daughter and became a surgeon like your parents always wanted you to be. You’d have a steady future and a nice income, a decent career instead of having to perform at a different bar every other night for nicks and pennies that barely cover your rent at the end of the month. But that wouldn’t be you. Wearing scrubs, smiling at patients, throwing out your dignity along with your dreams, you wouldn’t have been true to yourself if you chose that life. Besides, you’d still be in school, barely nearing the halfpoint of your education if you decided to go along with your parents’ plan and it’s clearer than daylight that the school system is just not for you. It would be pure torture if you had to sit in classes for a decade just to work a job you never even wanted.

Looking around the small dressing room you cast your eyes over your band that consists of three people. It’s a temporary set up from three guys you met along your way, all of the struggling musicians as you and you saw the as opportunities. Places would rather have a band play with several men in it than just put one single woman on stage and pray for the best. It’s the sexist part of the industry not enough people talk about. You can’t even count how many pitying stares you’ve gotten through the years when you stated that you want to make a career as a solo female singer.

“Honey, you ain’t making it without at least one man behind you,” is what they’ve always told you. So you’ve gotten yourself three until you could stand on your own two feet without a male backup. You’re using them just as much as they are using you. They were already a band when you joined them, the lead singer just disappeared to thin air with her boyfriend and left them incomplete, so you joined forces to navigate your way together in the depth of the music industry, looking for that big jump everyone is dreaming about.

Standing in front of the cracked mirror you fix your eyeliner, checking yourself once again. Your thrifted checkered suit looks radiant on you especially with the neon green see-through top underneath, showing off a black bralette. It’s a male suit, hanging a little baggy on you at places, but you still feel like you’re pulling off the look. Your thick eyeliner makes your eyes appear even bigger than they already are and your hair is in an unruly mop of curls, making your appearance complete.

You’ve received tons of critiques over your outfits, but they are the only thing you are not changing on yourself.

“Don’t wear men’s pants.”

“You’d look better in a dress.”

“Why do you look like a guy?”

“What a shame to hide such a gorgeous body in clothes that weren’t meant for girls.”

Each and every comment is burned into your mind forever and you’ll never stop fighting against the judgment women has to face for not being the conventional beauty all females are expected to be.

There’s a knock on the door and the person behind it barges in without waiting for an answer. The tall, bald guy rushes in, looking a little stressed, but that’s kind of the normal for the owner.

“I’m not sure how to say it, but… you are not performing tonight,” he simply states and your anger sets in faster than ever. You’ve had gigs get cancelled, but not minutes before going on stage. However, he is still not done with his little informative speech. “And your instruments need to be used by another band tonight.”

“What the fuck?” Trey, the drummer jumps to his feet. “No way I’m letting someone else play my drum set!”

“You’ll get half the money if you let it happen,” the owner answers.

“Wait, what band did you find minutes before start?” you ask in complete shock.

“There’s this group celebrating a birthday in the VIP section and some boy band is apparently with them. Birthday girl requested to have the stage for them.”

“And you’re just cancelling on us that easily?” you snap.

“Not that I have a choice. If I don’t do it they are leaving and I’m losing a big amount from the night. Sorry guys, but this is strictly business.”

“I can’t fucking believe this,” you laugh bitterly, staring up at the ceiling. This would have been a great chance for all of you, you’ve been trying to get a gig here for months, knowing that a lot of people from the industry fancies it, you might have caught someone’s eyes, but it’s definitely not happening now.

“Are you letting them use your stuff or not?” he urges, hands on his hips as he looks at the four of you impatiently.

“But what about our gig? We’ve been on the waiting list for months, when can we actually perform?”

“Uh, I don’t know. We’re pretty booked, maybe sometime in the summer?”

“Summer?” you gasp in disbelief. “It’s fucking February!”

“Are you lending them your stuff or not? I don’t have the time for your little tantrum!”

“Yeah, if we get the money they can use it,” Connor, the bass guitarist answers before you explode right then and there. The owner walks out with that, leaving the four of you behind, forgotten and humiliated.

“I can’t fucking believe it,” Trey groans, plopping down on the couch, covering his eyes with his tattooed arm.

“This is fucking bullshit,” you scoff under your breath, reaching for your bag to grab your pack of cigarettes you keep in it especially for cases like this, whenever you are about to go around and punch every living thing in the face in your reach.

Kicking the backdoor open you lean against the cold brick wall as you light the cigarette and start puffing vigorously, trying to get as much nicotine into your system as possible. You notice a group of guys standing near you in the alleyway, laughing on something, having a great time, oblivious to how hurt and angry you are feeling just a few feet away. You hear frictions of their conversation and it’s clear they are British judging from the accents that are hitting your ears. You finish your cigarette pretty fast and immediately reach for another one even though you know you shouldn’t have even smoked that first one, but you just can’t help it. It’s either the smoking or you’re going after the owner and kick him in the balls for being a bitch.

“Oi, can I ask for one?”

Glancing to the side you see that one of the guys has approached you, smiling at you warmly he nods towards the pack in your hands. Nodding you hold it out for him and he takes one. Before he could even ask for the lighter, you throw it at him and he catches it easily.

“Thanks,” he nods, holding the cigarette between his lips before lighting it and passing the lighter back to you.

“Lou, you really shouldn’t smoke,” you hear one of the others speak up as the rest of the group slowly joins you and the one you just helped out.

“S’fine, don’t act like me motha’,” he shrugs, taking a drag from the cigarette.

“At least not before we go on stage,” the blonde one shakes his head at his friend and your eyebrows shoot up.

“Oh, so you’re the band that’s gonna play?” you ask with a forced smile, already feeling your blood boiling. Who the fuck they are and why do they deserve to steal your gig?!

“We’re just playing a couple of songs,” another speaks up shrugging his shoulders. “No big deal.”

“Glad it’s no big deal to you, because it would have been to the band that was robbed from tonight because of you,” you spat at them, clearly surprising them with your harsh reply.

“I assume you are part of that band, right?” the on with the curly hair speaks up, his green eyes burning down at you.

“Nice job, Sherlock,” you groan, taking another drag from your cigarette.

“You could play with us,” he offers, the others nodding in agreement.

“I don’t need your pity,” you scowl at them. “Bringing me on stage to try to make yourselves look like the good guys is not necessary. I’m just fed up with people like you.” The truth is coming out of you easier than ever. All the years on injustice is seemingly erupting from you, pouring down on these five.

“People like us?” the dark haired one asks with a confused look.

“Yeah,” you nod with a bitter chuckle. “Five conventionally hot guys grouped together for a band, making every girl between the age of ten and thirty scream just by a wink. I don’t know where you came from, but I’m betting my head that you’ve had it easier than others.”

“It’s not nice to assume things when you don’t know anything about us,” Curly speaks up, tilting his head to the side.

“Oh, I’ve seen enough not to care about what’s nice and what’s not,” you chuckle shaking your head as you take another long puff from your cigarette and throw the butt to the ground, stepping on it. “Who are you even? Some Back Street Boys 2.0?” you ask, folding your arms on your chest, earning a heartfelt laugh from the blondie.

“I kinda like her,” he smirks around his friends. “We’re called One Direction, you haven’t heard of us?”

“Not even once,” you shake your head.

“That’s kinda humbling,” the one with the cigarette smiles. “We’re from the UK. I’m Louis, that’s Liam, Niall, Zayn and Harry.”

“I would say it’s nice to meet you, but it would be nicer if you guys didn’t just take my gig and lessen me with half my paycheck,” you smile at them sweetly before rolling your eyes.

“Wait, what? They’re not paying you because of us?” Liam asks.

“We only get half the money for lending you our instruments.”

“Let us pay the other half then,” Harry offers right away, but you just laugh at him.

“It’s not about the money, Prince Harry,” you smirk at him, tilting your head to the side. “It’s about justice. How is that air that you just waltz in here and take our time and chance? What if there’s a producer out there who would have liked our music and offered a record deal? What if someone would have taken a video of us performing, put it up to YouTube and it would have gone viral? I assume you never had to go through this phase where you have to beg for every minute on stage so you can at least earn enough money to pay rent. You don’t seem like the type of band who had to perform in smelly bars four times a week for a ridiculous amount of money.”

They stay silent and you know you were right.

“I’m not saying you had it easy, but I’m sure you have no idea what it could have been. And I’m fed up with men walking over others just to have what they want.”

“Look, it wasn’t our intention to ruin your gig. Have your set with your band and then we’ll play a few songs too after that,” Liam offers, but you shake your head.

“No, we weren’t supposed to be just your opening act and it’ll turn into that. So have a nice evening, enjoy your showtime, I’m out.”

Pushing yourself away from the wall you walk back into the building and grabbing your stuff from the dressing room you move out to the bar area, desperately needing a drink.

Sitting on the last stool at the bar you ask for straight tequila and two vodka shots knowing it’ll do the job for the evening and pulling your phone out of your bag, you open up Google. Searching the name One Direction you’re met with quite a few hits and you start scrolling through them, reading about the five boys you just had an encounter with. Just as you thought, they didn’t start off as a traditional band, having put together at a talent show just three years ago, getting such a major push so early in their career, they have no idea how struggling it is to make it in the industry. They surely had their fair share of ups and downs, but they will never know what it’s like to sweat blood and tears for your dream when everyone just wants to drag you down and tell you you’ll never make it.

The shots and half of the tequila is gone, your band joined you to at least get wasted as you watch the technicians set the stage for a band that’s not you, but gonna play with your stuff. Sitting on the stool you’re having a fairly good time thanks to the alcohol when you spot Harry making his way towards you in the crowd.

“Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready backstage?” you ask with an eyeroll as he joins your little circle, the guys eyeing him curiously. Ignoring your comment he pulls out a piece of paper handing it to you. As you unfold it you almost want to throw it back at him.

“This is to make up for what you lost tonight,” he says nodding down at the check in your hands.

“I told you I don’t need your money,” you firmly answer, but Trey grabs the check from your hands.

“But I do!” he snorts. He is such a pig.

“Let us do at least this one thing for you. We really do feel bad for taking your time and the offer to come on stage with us still stands.”

“No thank you,” you shoot him a fake smile before downing the rest of your tequila, the drink burning down your throat. Looking back at Harry you keep your eye locked on him as he watches you intently. He is a good-looking guy, you have to give that to him, but the circumstances you’ve met under just made it impossible for you not to hate him for the privileges he is being handed every day while you fight your way through life.

Harry sighs in defeat nodding as he licks his lips. For a split second, guilt takes over you for the way you’ve been acting towards him and the other boys, but then you remember that you don’t even know him. For all you know, he can be a royal asshole with the face of an angel. You can’t let guilt chew you and spit you out, you have to keep your guards up.

“Alright. We really are sorry. I’ll… see you around,” he nods before turning around to walk away.

You watch them perform their biggest hits, the whole place going crazy over the impromptu One Direction concert they just got for basically free. The VIP area is going crazy over the boys and with each sang song, you feel yourself getting more and more hopeless about your future as a musician. Here you are on a Saturday night, robbed from a job you’ve worked hard for, watching five British boys take your place on the stage that’s supposed to be yours tonight. You catch Harry’s eyes quite often while he is on stage, he keeps glancing in your way, a hint of guilt glistening in his green irises as he sings their songs with perfect vocals. You can tell he feels bad for the situation and you didn’t make it any easier on him or any of the boys, but you’re not really one to beat around the bush. They deserved to know what others in the industry below them have to deal with every day. It’s not always as glamorous as people might think and you’re the living example of that.

You don’t stick around for long after the boys are done on stage, you help your bandmates pack their stuff and head home before Harry or any other members of One Direction can find you.

Walking past the news stand that’s on the corner of your street, you stop upon seeing your own face smiling back at you from the cover of People Magazine, the title catching your attention.

“Grammy nominee Y/N Y/L/N shares her secret to her one of a kind fashion style.”

Grabbing the magazine off the stand you pay for it and continue your way home, holding the copy to your chest with a warm feeling in your heart.

It’s been only a week since the nominations have come out, but it still feels like a dream. You didn’t just get nominated in the category of Best New Artist, but your album Hands of Power got nominated as Best Album and your biggest hit of last year, Sleepless is running for the title of Best song. Three nominations the first time earning a spot on the list. Not bad.

Just as you walk into your place, your phone buzzes, the ever so smiling face of your manager staring back at you from the screen.

“Hey!” you sing into the phone, holding it to your ear with your shoulder, taking off your boots as you walk further down the hallway.

“Are you home already?”

“Yes, just arrived.”

“Great, I’ll be there in ten,” she announces and ends the call. Chuckling you just shake your head, dropping the phone to the coffee table before you move to the bedroom and change into something more comfortable. The flared jeans looked fire on you today, but you rather wear something looser when you’re at home.

You barely have the time to start the water for a tea when Taylor storms through your door using her keys you’ve given her some time ago. She is wearing all white that looks fantastic with her almond skin tone, a knitted sweater tucked into a maxi skirt, paired with strappy heels, she is always so elegant and perfectly dressed for whatever occasion.

“I have knee-shaking news, girl!” she announces as she throws her purse to the couch before joining you in the kitchen.

“I’m going to be the next Bond girl?” you joke smiling to yourself as you get two mugs from the cupboard.

“Better than that!” she cheers. “You are going to perform at the Grammy’s, baby!” she screams throwing her hands into the air as your jaw drops to the floor.

“You’re not just kidding with me, right?!”

“I would never play such a dirty joke with you. It’s one hundred percent true, I had an hour long phone call with some bloke today and they want you.”

“Yes!” you scream in excitement, jumping up and down like a child that just got a pack of candy. “I’ll make the Grammy’s my bitch!” you cheer, making Taylor laugh.

“Alright, Miss Dominatrix. We still have a lot of things to discuss and there’s one more thing about the performance.”

“Oh God, is this the part where you say something that ruins it completely?” you sigh in defeat as you take the kettle and pour the water into the mugs, dropping a filter into each.

“I don’t think it ruins it,” she shakes her head, but you have a feeling you won’t like what she has to say. “They want it to be like a… joined performance. You’d start off with Sleepless, then it would kind of mesh into your partner’s song and they would end it with one of their own songs.”

“Okay, that doesn’t sound bad,” you nod.

“See?” she smiles warmly.

“Do we know who I’m going to perform with?”

“Harry Styles.”

You almost drop both mugs the moment the name is mentioned, but you manage to get them to the kitchen island and slip them to the counter, Taylor giving you a questioning look at your wide-eyed expression.

“Uh, I’m not sure that’s… gonna work,” you clear your throat.

“You’re not sure your duet with the biggest male artist can work? Why is that?”

Licking your lips you try to find the right words to say it, but you’re not even sure why you got so shocked over it. Probably because the last time you saw him, you were still nobody, playing gigs at no name bars and he took your spot on the stage with One Direction. It’s weird, but since you’ve finally made it in the industry, you haven’t crossed paths with him and this would be the first time you meet after seven years.

“I’m not sure if he remembers it, but we’ve met before.”

“You and Harry?”

“Yes. I was playing with The Gambits years ago, it was before I started putting out covers on my own. We were supposed to play at this bar but they cancelled on us, because One Direction was there that night and someone wanted them to play instead of us, so we lost the gig. I had a pretty… harsh conversation with him and the band, basically telling them that their pretty man privilege is what ruins the careers of talented women.” “Oh Jesus, Y/N. Why haven’t I heard of this before?” Taylor sighs leaning on her elbows on the countertop.

“Not that it’s something that would just come up in a conversation,” you shrug. “And as I said, he might not even remember it. It was a long time ago.”

“I know you are all about your rebellious past, good for you, but sometimes you’re making my job really fucking hard,” she sighs, grabbing her phone, already typing a message to God knows who. “Starting beef with Harry Styles before you even made a name for yourself? Who does that?”

“It’s not beef!” you protest. “I just gave them my piece of mind.”

“We’ll see what he thinks about it. I have to make a few calls,” she announces before walking out, already on the phone with someone.

Sitting on a stool, staring into your mug you think back at the time you met him. It feels like a lifetime ago when you were fighting to stay afloat, trying to make through the days, barely hanging on a thread. You didn’t know that five years later you’d sign your first record deal as a solo artist and seven years from that night, you’d be a Grammy nominee. It was a long and challenging time for sure with way more downs than ups until you finally got on track and you’ll never forget where you came from. Not when even as an acknowledged artist, you still face judgment and hatred no matter what you do. Being a solo female singer sometimes feels like harder than being president of the country and there are just so many things that need to change in the world of music, you will never stop fighting for girls that are in the same shoe you once were.

Through the years you’ve followed the career of the boys, especially Harry’s. You read about Zayn’s parting, their so-called hiatus and how they all went solo soon after. Genre-wise Harry’s work is what stands the closest to you, and you’ve witnessed all the backlash he has faced during his time in the spotlight. The shaming for whatever women he chose to date, his choice to get into acting and the way he has been dressing. People just don’t seem to understand they can’t have control over any of these and they’ve tried to bring him down one too many times, but he has been thriving lately, anyone can see that.

Your mug empties out by the time Taylor returns, taking her previous stop at the kitchen island.

“Alright, I set up a meeting with Harry and his manager for tomorrow. They still haven’t decided on the performance and apparently, Harry would like to meet you before giving his answer.”

“Oh God, he remembers me,” you growl under your breath.

“Or maybe he doesn’t and just wants to meet the person he is supposed to perform with. We can never know. We’re meeting them at his manager’s office at eleven tomorrow.”

One night is enough to make you go crazy over such a small thing as meeting someone. It’s not like you are nervous to see him because of who he is, it’s more about knowing what he thinks about you after all these years, in case he remembers you. He saw you as a struggling artist at rock bottom and though your encounter didn’t last long and he didn’t know you on a deeper, personal level, you still fear that he remembers and thinks that you’ve lost yourself over the years.

Authenticity has been a huge issue in your life. Early in your career, everyone wanted to change you. The way you dress, your hair, the style of music you write, nothing was good enough as it was, they wanted you to become someone else, someone who was not you. You fought all attempts until the right person came through and accepted you as yourself, but a tiny voice in the back of your mind kept telling you that they succeeded, that somewhere along the fight you did lose yourself and became what you always feared to be.

Meeting Harry is like meeting a piece of your past and having to face what you’ve become. It’s going to be like a mirror right in front of you and what you’ll see might not be what you expect.

Wearing your bright red dungaree with an oversized vintage shirt and a pair of white sneakers, you definitely don’t look like you’re dressed for a business meeting, but when did you ever? Pushing your hair back with a pair of cat eye shades, you leave a little earlier, knowing well traffic is horrible in these hours. You arrive to the office building just minutes before eleven, Taylor has already texted that she has arrived and which office you should come to. When you finally find the door you’ve been looking for, you take a moment to yourself before knocking.

“Come in!” a male voice calls out and you walk in. Taylor is sitting on the sofa that’s pushed against the wall on the left, a man is sitting behind the enormous desk and then there is Harry, standing by the window, his hands hidden in the pockets of his black slacks, and old Rolling Stones t-shirt hanging loosely on his frame as his eyes meet yours upon your arrival.

“Hey, I would say I’m sorry for being late, but I’m actually exactly on time,” you smirk, closing the door behind you. The man stands from the desk and walking around he meets at the front, holding a hand out for you.

“Perfectly on time,” he smiles warmly. “I’m Jeffrey Azoff, nice to meet you.”

“Y/N Y/L/N. Nice to meet you too.”

“And this here is Harry,” he motions towards the man who has stepped closer and as you look back at him, you’re met with a blank expression for a moment so you can’t figure out if he remembers you or not. But then, a tiny smile tugs on his lips as he holds his hand out for you.

“We’ve met before, right?” he simply questions, and your eyes flicker over to Taylor in a kind of “See? I told you!” manner before you look back at Harry and shake his hand.

“Yeah, we have,” you nod. “A long time ago.”

“Congrats for your nominations,” he smirks, his hand letting go of yours and your let out a soft chuckle.

“Well, thank you. Back at you.”

“Alright, why don’t we start this discussion? We have a lot to go over,” Jeff suggests and you sit beside Taylor while Harry stays near the window, as if he is trying to soak up the sunshine coming through it that’s painting his skin a golden shade.

The concept is simple. The performance would be a mashup from Sleepless and Harry’s song Golden with an exciting and fresh way of mixing the two songs together in the middle, making your song flow into his in a smooth and effortless way. The songs sound compatible and you already have an idea how to mash them together for the transition, but you can’t help but feel doubts over the performance.

“What are your concerns exactly?” Jeff questions.

“Not to come off too harsh, but why is my song the first one?” you ask, earning a few puzzled looks. “If Harry finishes it off, he is going to be the one people will remember more and he’ll get the applause as well. The riffs in the songs allow them to be switched, how come it’s not me who comes second?”

You can see the shock on Jeffrey’s face at how straight-forward you were about your concern and that you even dared to speak up about the issue. He clearly hasn’t had to face anything similar before and when he glances at Harry you follow his gaze as well, but instead of shock, what you see on his face is amusement. He is smirking, tapping his fingers against his chin as he stares back at you.

“She has a point,” he nods and you take a deep breath. For a moment, you really thought this is going to be the part where you are thrown off and Harry makes the performance only his.

“I, uhh—this is what’s been requested,” Jeff answers and you tilt your head.

“Okay, can we make a request to change it?” you simply ask, eyeing Taylor next to you who is typing on her iPad vigorously, taking notes of everything that’s said. She is already used to what you’re like, she is not even surprised you came up with the prompt to change.

“Hold on, so just because you want to be second, you get to be?” Harry questions, but he doesn’t come off as harsh, it seems like he is entertained by the conversation. “Does this mean I don’t deserve to be the second one?”

“That’s-That’s not what I meant,” you answer, taken aback from his accusation and you hate to admit, but he is right. You addressed the issue, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve the spot either.

“Alright, so then we need to seek a solution that benefits the both of us,” he offers, walking closer from the sunlight and you follow his every movement.

“We could do some kind of medley? Do an ultimate mashup from more songs and have more smaller parts split between us, finishing it together,” you suggest and he nods.

“That could work, but I have something else on my mind.”

“And what would that be?” Jeff asks, a little lost about the situation as he watches the two of you exchange ideas.

“We could write a song together, a duet, and perform that instead of our solo stuff.”

“What?” you snap right away. “You want to write a whole new song just for the Grammy’s?”

“Why not?” he smiles carefreely. “We have almost two entire months to do it, albums have been written in shorter periods, I’m sure we can handle just one song. And I think a collaboration would be a hit for the both of us now.”

You look at Taylor who just stares back at you, ignoring the panic in your eyes.

“Don’t look at me,” she tells you. “I can see the collaboration working, it could be a huge hit.”

“And what, we’re gonna release it as a single after the show? Whose song is it going to be? I don’t have an album coming up until next year, do you get to have it on your third one then?”

“We can put it out as just a single. No one has to have it on any albums,” Harry replies. “If we released it after the show, it would be just the right timing. Neither of us had any new songs out in a while.” Clenching your jaw you’re trying to find a way out of this collaboration, though you’re not even sure yourself why. Taylor sees right through you, knowing well you’re planning your escape, but she has other plans apparently.

“Y/N, let’s have a few words outside,” she pushes herself up and pulls you with her. Once the door is shut behind the two of you she starts right away. “What the fuck is your problem? The song is a huge thing, it would be an instant hit with him on it!”

“Why do I need a song with him to stay relevant?” you question, folding your arms on your chest.

“No one said it’s about that. But we both know it would be a great push to your name that Jordan has stomped over not so long ago, calling you a Feminist Nazi.”

“Don’t even fucking mention him!” you whisper yell, refusing to even think about that trashbag of a man that ruined your life with his fake accusations.

“Look, I know what you are thinking, that you’ll be seen as just an object next to him, a pair of boobs and nice legs, but that’s not his brand. He doesn’t need you to be sexy next to him, he is known for his honest and real works that go farther than just twerking and being a hoe. We both know he produces meaningful music, so why are you so against it?”

“I just… I-I’m scared to work with him,” you finally admit and it’s the first thing today that surprises Taylor.

“Scared? Thought you’re not scared of anything,” she huffs.

“I never said that,” you give her a look. “Harry met me when I was nobody, it was just me and my big mouth, trying to find my breakout. What if we start working together and he sees that I completely lost that version of myself? I would feel like a liar, an impostor.”

“You are overreacting,” Taylor sighs. “You’ve changed on your way here, but I doubt you are that far from the girl he met before. I know we didn’t meet just a few years after, but I can assure you, you’re still that big-mouthed pain in the ass who fights every norm in the industry like no one else.”

You know she is right, she is always right. Taylor knows you too well, that’s why you love working with her, but sometimes, her honesty throws you way off, especially when she is stating the truth.

The two of you rejoin the two men in the office and they both look at you with anticipation as you fold your arms on your chest and move your gaze over to Harry.

“I would… love to work on a song with you.”

When you agreed to work with Harry you didn’t think you’d find yourself heading over to his house a few days later to have a writing session, but he offered right away that day in the office and Taylor accepted it before you could protest. You’ve had a day filled with meetings and fittings and now you’re rolling up his driveway after punching the security code in that he shared with you over text.

You’ve exchanged numbers on the spot and just like that, you’ve become one of the few people on this world that could contact Harry Styles anytime they want to.

You chose to be casual for the occasion, wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a white hoodie, you like to be comfortable whenever you’re working on new music and Harry’s presence won’t change your ways about that. You’re not sure what to expect, if you’re being honest you’re still afraid of being alone with Harry and do such an emotional thing together as writing a song.

The front door opens just as you get out of your car, grabbing your bag from the passenger seat. Harry walks out wearing a pair of shorts and a green hoodie, looking like he hasn’t left the house all day.

“Hey, you found the address easily?” he asks smiling as you walk up to him.

“Yeah, everything went fine.”

“Do you want something to drink or eat maybe?” he offers as the two of you walk inside. If you’re being honest, you’re starving, the last time you had anything to eat was between two meetings around ten, but nothing since then, just a granola bar. But you’re a first time guest, you can’t just eat up his fridge, like you’re old pals, right?

However, Harry can see right through you.

“You haven’t had anything in a long time, right?” he softly asks and you purse your lips, feeling awkward already and you haven’t been here for more than two minutes. “I can make you a sandwich, if you’d like.” “Harry, no need, I—“ “No need, but I want to. Come on,” he nods at you, making you follow him into the kitchen. “So, who would have thought we would be here now, huh?” he smirks at you as he gathers the ingredients and starts working on your food while you sit on one of the stools at his kitchen island.

“Not me,” you admit chuckling. “I kind of didn’t think I would see you again, I mean, personally. I was seeing you a lot on TV after that.”

“Now might be a good time to confess that, that night wasn’t the last time I saw you.”

“What?”

“I went to one of your gigs a few weeks later. Stayed at the back, I just really wanted to see you play.”

“And what did you think?” you ask tilting your head to the side. Harry smirks, his eyes meeting yours before they return to the food under his hands.

“You absolutely smashed it. And I felt even worse for taking your time away that night. The people were robbed from a mind-blowing performance and had to see five annoying guys clown on the stage,” he laughs making you chuckle too. “I wasn’t surprised when your name surfaced a few years later. Knew you’d make it at one point.” He joins you at the island and slides the plate in front of you with a warm smile.

“Thank you,” you mumble smiling shyly before you start eating and only after the first bite you feel just how hungry you’ve been. “Now that we are at it, I want to apologize for the way I talked to you guys back then. I feel like I was a bigger asshole than I should have been and the whole situation wasn’t entirely your fault.”

“No need to apologize,” he shakes his head. “You were absolutely right. We had no business being on stage that night and what you said actually made us think about where we came from and appreciate our career more. You were right about having it easy at the beginning. We never had the phase where we had to push our way to the top like other artists, our first days were broadcasted on TV, giving us the biggest push ever.”

It’s good to hear he is not holding grudges against you for whatever went down in the past. You eat in silence while Harry types a response to a message on his phone before turning it with the screen down to pay his full attention to you.

“I actually just messaged Niall that we are working together and he is losing his shit over it,” he chuckles softly.

“You guys still talk?”

“Yeah, sometimes. Not all of us thought,” he adds, pressing his lips together.

“You miss being with the band?”

“It’s… good to rely on someone in certain situations. As a solo artist, you only have yourself and that’s about it. But I think you already know that.”

“I never really liked being in a band,” you admit.

“How come? I think you fit in well with The Gambits.”

You shrug, chewing on your bite slowly. It’s probably not the best time to admit that you prefer working on your own, when you’re about to get into a duet with him.

“I uhh… I always imagined myself being a solo artist and I just couldn’t stay with the guys too long, especially when I got my record deal.”

“Why?” Letting out a long breath you lick your lips looking at him.

“I would have never made it in a band with three guys. It would have always been about which one I’m sleeping with, who am I having an affair with or if I’m lesbian because I’m not hooking up with any of them. This is just how it goes for women.”

Harry stays quiet, taking your words in as you finish the sandwich that was literally lifesaving. You wash the plate even when he tells you to just leave it in the sink, and once that’s done, the two of you move over to his little home studio in the basement of his house.

“So, where do we start?” you ask, making yourself comfortable in one of the armchairs while he grabs an acoustic guitar and sits on the one next to you.

“How do you usually start writing?” he asks scratching his chin before he rests his hands on the body of the guitar.

“Well, most of the times I write when I’m pissed about something,” you huff and Harry smirks at you.

“Nothing pissed you off lately?”

“Not enough to make me write a song,” you point out. “See, this is one of the reasons why I was hesitant to write a song with you. It doesn’t come that easily for me.”

“And what were the other reasons?” You shut your mouth at his question, you weren’t expecting him to pick it up, but apparently, he listens more than you thought.

“It’s… a long story.”

“And we have all the time,” he smiles slyly. “But of course, don’t feel pressured to share. I just thought it would be nice to get to know each other more so we can work together easier.”

Harry starts strumming his guitar gently, playing random riffs as you watch him, chewing on your bottom lip. Taylor asked you to try and be more open than you usually are and though part of you wants to keep the wall high between you and him, something is telling you to try and reach out to him.

“I didn’t want to do it, because I didn’t want to be seen as just a pretty face next to you. In duets between a man and a woman, females are often seen as just an object, a sight for the eyes but not as serious artists. I worked hard to be taken seriously and I was hesitant about collaborating with you even though your music is not necessarily what I should fear.”

Harry looks back at you with an unreadable expression and you feel like he is judging you for standing up for yourself. Your fight for yourself is often mistaken as “being a bitch” or “being too sensitive” and the amount of times you’ve been told to just chill is upsetting.

“Well, good thing then that I won’t write music about twerking,” he then finally speaks up, a smile breaking his blank expression.

“But you do write a lot about sex,” you point out with a smirk.

“That I do, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be sexist at the same time.”

“You’re right,” you nod smiling.

 The writing process turns out to be harder than you thought. You’re not specifically inspired and Harry is the person to just throw things around until he finds something he likes. The two of you put together is kind of chaotic as you try to come up with something useful.

Two hours later you have a raw version of a melody that could serve as a chorus, but nothing else, no full melody, no lyrics. And if you’re being honest, you don’t like that chorus that much either.

“It’ll be fun to just stand on stage for three minutes and do absolutely nothing, because we couldn’t write anything,” you groan, sliding lower in your seat, rubbing your face with your hands.

“It’s literally our first session and we have plenty of time, Y/N. Don’t stress about it.”

“I don’t know how to do that.”

“You don’t know how not to stress?”

“I literally haven’t had a stressfree day since about 2007, so no, I don’t know.”

“You can’t chill even when you smoke?” he asks and you give him a puzzled look. “What, you smoke, don’t you?”

“Cigarettes? I put it down in 2015.”

“No, I’m not talking about cigarettes,” Harry chuckles softly. “You don’t smoke weed?” You shyly shake your head. “Really? I would have sworn you’re the type to relax with a good joint. Want to try it?”

“What? Now?” you ask with wide eyes.

“Why not?” he shrugs and walks over to the little side table in the corner of the room and reaching into it he simply pulls a little plastic bag out with three joints in them.

“Are you just casually keeping joints around your house?”

“I don’t really smoke them, they make me feel sleepy. But some of my friends like it so I keep a few around,” he explains as he takes one out and puts the rest back. “You want to try?”

“I-I’m not sure… I have to drive back home.”

“You can stay for the night, I have three guest bedrooms,” he shrugs before his eyes meet yours. “Again, not trying to pressure you, I’m just offering.”

“Are you gonna smoke?”

“We can share one if you want. I would recommend smoking one by yourself for the first time.”

“Okay,” you nod shortly as you watch him tip-tap the joint a little, rolling it between his fingers before he takes it between his lips and reaches for a lighter. “Wait, shouldn’t we do it somewhere outside? The smoke is gonna get stuck in here.”

Harry stops, thinking about what you said and he nods. Grabbing the guitar he asks you to follow him and the two of you move up and out to the terrace, sinking into his lounge chairs. You bring your knees up to your chest, hugging them tightly as you watch Harry light the joint and take the first few puffs. As he exhales the smoke he holds the joint out for you and you take it, hesitantly putting it between your lips as you inhale for the first time. You can’t help but scowl at the taste, the whole act of smoking feeling strange after years of smoking your last cigarette. You keep it down a little before puffing the smoke out and passing the joint back to Harry.

You keep switching until you make it past half of it and you finally start to feel the effect of it. You feel light, like you’re floating in the pool that’s in front of you, you can almost feel the water touching your skin yet you’re still dry.

“How are you feeling?” Harry asks, blinking at you with hooded eyes.

“I’m feeling… fine,” you chuckle softly as you take the joint from him and drag from it again. “Do you do other drugs?”

“I’ve done shrooms a few times, not often though. I’m not trying to pick up an addiction,” he smiles softly, running a hand through his hair. “Have you done anything?”

“No,” you shake your head. “Didn’t have the money for it before and then didn’t have time later. But I never really felt the need either.”

“And you said you put down the cigarette as well?”

“Yeah. I knew I had to do that sooner or later, it was starting to change my voice and I couldn’t have that.”

“That’s what we always told Louis, that his voice will turn to shit if he keeps smoking,” Harry chuckles softly, dragging from the joint before he passes it over to you, not much left of it.

“Did he ever stop?”

“I think he put it down when his son was born, but I don’t know if he started again.”

You give the joint back for him to finish it and you watch him put it out in the ashtray before he sinks down in the lounge chair, closing his eye for a bit, breathing steadily. You find it amusing how you can still see the guy that handed you a check years ago at that bar, trying to make things right, but he also looks like a completely different person at the same time. He is more mature and open in his mindset and just the way he approaches things in general. The Harry you met seven years ago was still searching his way, but the version lying next to you now is a lot more confident in who he really is.

“Want to take a picture?” he hums keeping his eyes closed.

“What?”

His eyes peel open and turn to face you, a smug smirk on his lips.

“You’ve been staring at me. Take a picture, it lasts longer.”

“You are way too full of yourself,” you scoff and pushing yourself up from the lounge chair you walk over to the edge of the pool, mesmerized by the way the light is dancing on the surface.

You never really thought about what weed would feel like in your system, but it feels oddly tranquil and relaxing. In a way your body feels a little strange, like it’s not even yours, but you also sense everything very… loudly.

“You alright?” you hear Harry’s voice coming from behind, the tapping on his feet signaling that he is walking closer to you.

“Yeah,” you nod without taking your eyes off of the water.

“Do you want to go for a swim?”

“What?” you breathe out turning to face him.

“Do you want to go in?” he rephrases his question with a small smile.

“I don’t… have a bathing suit,” you answer and the moment the words leave your mouth they feel so ridiculous even when you were just stating the truth.

“Okay, but you are wearing underwear, aren’t you?” he smirks. “Or I’m completely fine if you want to go in naked,” he adds smugly.

“Shut up,” you chuckle. “Can you… maybe give me a pair of shorts? I’m fine without a bra when I come out but I would rather have my underwear on dry.”

“Sure,” he hums and turning around he jogs back into the house while you stay right there, staring at the water again.

With each passing moment you get calmer, the outside world and everything in life that’s not happening right in this moment eases into nothingness, your mind numbs in the best way possible.

When Harry returns he is wearing a pair of yellow swimming shorts, two towels are thrown over his shoulders and he has a pair of white shorts in his hands.

“This is the smallest thing I have, I think it’ll be fine,” he comments handing you the shorts.

“Thanks,” you nod before he shows you the way to the closest bathroom where you change out of your clothes leaving them in a neatly folded pile on the counter, you put on the shorts that are a little big on you, but once you’ve tied the strings it seems to be staying up steadily. Your simple black bra is not showing more than what a bikini top would, so you feel fine walking out in your attire.

Harry is sitting at the edge of the pool, his legs moving around in the water. His head lifts hearing your steps and he smiles at you, standing up when you arrive.

“Fits fine,” he nods, taking a look at the shorts.

“Yeah,” you chuckle.

Walking over to the steps you dip your feet in first, testing the temperature before you start going in further, Harry following you right behind. Just as you expected, the water feels smooth against your skin, warmly caressing and swallowing your body as you get in, the surface reaching your chest. You let your arms move around, feel how the water runs through your fingers, it’s amusing and you enjoy it probably more than you should. It’s just water, but right now it feels like a pile of clouds.

“I know I suggested to smoke and then swim, but please don’t drown into my pool, I won’t be able to talk myself out of that,” he chuckles, easing him into the water until it reaches his neck.

“My life is in your hands, Harry,” you smirk at him before you follow him and let the water swallow your whole body up to your neck.  “This feels so nice.”

“Yeah? You like it?” he smirks.

“Mm, like I’m… floating through space.”

“In a sense, you are floating in the water,” he chuckles. “You don’t feel sick, right?”

“No, I’m fine,” you smile at him shortly.

You move over to the edge of the pool, laying your arms to the side, holding yourself up so your legs could float in the water. You watch Harry dive under and swim across the pool, reaching the far end before he pushes himself over to you.

“When I went to see you perform there was a song I really liked, but I never found it anywhere later.”

“Which one?”

“The chorus went like… Crashing and crumbling, I’m fighting for my breath, Today won’t be the day I’m meeting death…”

You suck on your breath, surprised how well he remembered the lines even after so many years. He recalled them perfectly, even singing the melody a little with them.

“I never recorded it in studio,” you admit quietly.

“Why not?”

“Because it felt too emotional and I didn’t want it to be just out there.”

“What was the name of the song?”

“It’s called Till I Die. I wrote it when…” You take a deep breath, feeling heavy just by talking about it, but something is urging you to share it with him. “I left from home right after I graduated high school, broke contact with my parents completely and I had a few very rough years, trying to just… keep myself alive, I guess.”

“Can I ask why you left your parents?”

“We had very different visions of what I should become. And I didn’t intend to live the life they imagined for me. My parents are very… traditional, my career in their eyes is just some kind of circus when I’m the clown on the stage. They don’t take any of it seriously and they made it very clear at the beginning that they don’t want me to become a musician. I was supposed to become a surgeon, my dad is one and my mom is in criminal law, they both worked very hard to get to where they are, but they don’t think that’s exactly what I’m doing as well.”

The last person you shared it with was Taylor and though it feels odd to open up about these old wounds again, but having Harry as the one listening to you just feels right.

“You haven’t talked to them since you left?”

“No,” you shake your head.

“And they didn’t even try to contact you?”

“Well, I made sure they couldn't. Changed my number first thing I set my feet outside the house and I never left them any of my addresses. I know it sounds cruel, but I didn’t want to do anything with them after the shaming they put me through when I told them I don’t want to become their perfect little daughter. They told me that I could consider myself disowned from the family if I dare to even write a song.”

“Woah, that sounds really tough.”

“It was,” you nod. “I wasn’t asking them to support me in any other way apart from just being there for me. It’s not like I wanted to spend the money the put aside for my tuition to buy guitars and tour the country, I just wanted them to… accept who I am, but apparently, I asked for too much.”

You feel tears forming in your eyes, but you wipe them quickly. It’s been long since the last time you let the thought of your parents, you’ve been good at keeping these feelings bottled up and in the deepest end of your mind. It’s not like you’re going around and just share your trauma with anyone you meet, but it felt comfortable to share it with Harry.

“I’m sorry about that. Everyone should have a support, especially in our job.”

“I had… myself,” you chuckle bitterly. “Became pretty good at relying only on myself.”

“I’m guessing it’s another reason why you prefer working alone, right?” he smiles at you softly.

“You could say that,” you nod into the water.

“I know it’ll sound cheesy, but… if you ever want to talk, I’m here,” he offers.

“Oh, are we becoming friends?” you ask chuckling.

“We’ve known each other for long enough to be friends, am I right?” he smirks, splashing some water in your way.

“We met a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean we know each other. Everything I know about you is from articles and gossip sites and I think you can only say the same thing,” you point out.

“Okay, then let’s get to know each other.”

“What, do you want to play 21 questions now or something?” you huff.

“Damn right,” he smirks.

And that’s exactly what you do. Swimming around in the pool you ask each other questions, some are funny, some are more serious and you slowly start to get to know each other, seven years after meeting for the first time, but in a way it feels like it’s been just last week when you were talking in the alleyway.

The weed soon dies down in your system, leaving you incredibly tired and it’s only then you realize it’s already past one am. Pulling out of the pool, you both grab a towel drying yourselves up before making your way back into the house.

“The guest bedroom next to mine has a bathroom so I think that’s the best one. I can give you something to sleep in if you’d like,” Harry offers as you follow him down the hallway.

“I think I’m fine in my sweats, but thank you.” He shows you the room, tells you how to change the AC if you feel too cold or hot and then bidding goodbye he is about to go to his own room when you stop him.

“Thank you for… today. I know we didn’t get far with the song, but… I liked hanging out with you,” you admit with a shy smile, leaning against the doorframe.

“Don’t worry about the song, it’ll be fine. And I liked it too. We can make it a regular thing, if you want. You can come over, we’d chill and try to cook up something for the song.”

“I, uhh… Yeah, that sounds good,” you nod, he shoots you a smile before turning around and disappearing in his room.

The morning doesn’t turn out at all any awkward, especially because you don’t get to stay around too long. You have a meeting at eleven so you have to leave in time to go home and get changed before that. Harry makes you coffee, which is lifesaving, the two of you sit at the terrace as you drink it and you arrange to meet in two days to try and have another, hopefully more successful session for the song.

You genuinely enjoyed your time with Harry and to think that you didn’t only smoked weed for the first time with him, but also opened up about your parents, you feel a kind of connection forming and you can only hope you’re not gonna regret it later.

You move on with work after leaving from Harry’s that morning, you have some fittings for upcoming photoshoots and an interview scheduled, so there’s not much time for you to sit around. Tonight you’re supposed to meet Harry again at his place for another session and you feel buzzed about it. You meet Taylor for lunch, sitting on the terrace of your usual place she is talking you through everything that’s coming up the next week, just like you always do so then you can put work aside and have a real chat.

“So how did the writing session go?” she asks, digging into her salad that she always asks with extra chicken.

“The writing? Not so well. But we had a good time,” you truthfully admit.

“Good, good! You’re finally making friends!” Taylor grins, satisfied with the news. You just roll your eyes at her, turning back to your food right when you notice that your phone has been blowing up with notifications.

Huffing you grab it from the table with the pure intention of muting it down completely, but then you see that several people have texted you the same link and it bugs your curiosity so you open one of the messages and tap on the link.

“You have got to be kidding me,” you groan, feeling your rage already pushing up your spine, clouding your vision in red.

“What?” Taylor snaps, reaching for her phone out of reflex.

“That fucking asshole dragged my name again!”

“Who? Jordan? That fucker never learns?” Taylor hisses, her thumbs vigorously typing on the screen immediately.

“Someone asked him about me on Twitter and he dared to call me a lying bitch! I can’t fucking believe this man!”

You and Jordan worked together on a project a while ago. You were supposed to write lyrics to a song he was composing and it was meant for an upcoming popular Netflix show, so the anticipation around the song was huge, especially when word got out that Ariana Grande might end up singing it. During your time working together he very blatantly tried to hit on you, which you politely shut down, because one, you didn’t intend to date someone you were working so close with and two, you just simply weren’t into him. However, he couldn’t take rejection the way a mature, almost thirty years old man should. It started off very subtly, but once you’ve had a chat with him to stop posting obnoxious and suggesting things about you on his social media, because it’s making it hard for you to be taken seriously as an artist and that people will just see you as another celeb which you don’t want to be, he just completely lost his shit. He called you different names on Twitter a few times, the worst were Feminist Nazi and a cock teasing slut, and he just somehow never fails to mention that you lied about your intentions with him, when you were clearer than daylight that you didn’t want a thing from him other than work.

When you realized he isn’t going to be stopping anytime soon, you took him to court, dragged his ass in front of the judge and won the case, which ended with him having to pay you thirty thousand dollars and he was ordered to clear all his platforms from your name for good. You really thought that taught him a lesson, especially because against your will, the case got some publicity and he ended up making headlines about the fault accusations he made about you, but it seems like he didn’t have enough.

You wouldn’t worry that much about his new tweet, knowing that he is the one lying, but the trials took a toll on you. It was at the beginning of the time when you were making yourself a name and even though you won, his accusations stung for some people and some even thought him to be the victim. You fell out of two brand deals and an important interview in the upcoming months which was a major setback and all for what? Because a man couldn’t accept rejection? The sad part is that if it would have happened the other way around, he wouldn’t have had to suffer any effect of it, people don’t tend to question a man’s words when he is showing this charming and nice persona to the public. If you accused him the same way you would have been dragged and titled as a sour crybaby and Jordan’s life would have carried on the same way.

The peaceful lunch soon falls through as Taylor turns on her beast mode to at least get the tweet down as soon as possible, already contacting the legal team you worked with before. It has to be against what you agreed on at the end of the trials, he can’t just go around and drag you again without any consequences.

In just about twenty minutes, the tweets disappear from Jordan’s feed, but you know it was already late the moment he posted it. If something gets out on the internet it never goes away, there are probably hundreds if not thousands of screenshots floating around that will preserve his words forever.

You part ways Taylor as he heads to an immediate meeting with the lawyers you worked together previously, she tells you to try not to worry about it, but you can’t just turn it off in you, that’s not how it works.

Making your way home you keep riling yourself up about it, thinking about what it’s gonna cause you this time, what opportunity is going to be taken because a man has called you a lying bitch, even after winning the previous trial against him that proves how big of an asshole he really is.

Changing into a casual attire you head to Harry’s place a little earlier, hoping it’s not a problem you get there an hour before you were supposed to. Arriving you’re a little taken aback seeing that there is another car parking on the driveway that’s not his and you immediately regret coming here, but before you could leave, the front door opens and Harry walks out. You couldn’t have left without noticing, the security system must have signaled your arrival when you punched the opening code in.

“Hey, everything alright?” he asks instead of questioning your early arrival.

“I uhh—I’m sorry for being early, I could go—“

“Don’t be silly, come on in!” he waves at you and you walk up the stairs. “Two friends are here but they were just about to leave soon,” he explains as you walk in.

“Sorry for crashing the party,” you let out a soft chuckle.

“The more the merrier,” he smiles. “You seem a little stressed, everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just… It’s nothing,” you shake your head.

“Oh my God, is that who I think it is?” you hear a woman’s voice from behind and turning around you see a smiley brunette walking towards you, a shy looking guy following behind her.

“Sarah, this is Y/N. Y/N, this is Sarah, my drummer, and that wanker over there is Mitch, my guitarist.”

“Nice to meet you.” Shaking hands with both of them you realize they look familiar from pictures you’ve seen from Harry’s tour.

“I saw that ugly tweet today, that guy needs to be kicked in the balls,” Sarah sighs with a sympathetic smile, Harry’s ears perking up.

“What tweet?” he asks, eyes switching between you and Sarah.

“Oh, just… Jordan Wells thinks it’s fine to drag people with absolutely no truth behind his words,” you answer with a tight-lipped smile.

“Jordan Wells? The name rings a bell,” Harry hums.

“He is a music producer,” Mitch chimes in.

“I think he was supposed to write for 1D one time, but the deal fell through. Guess we didn’t miss out on anything,” he jokes and it brings a genuine smile to your face.

“You surely didn’t,” you comment under your breath.

You chat with Sarah and Mitch for a bit before they decide to head out, but Sarah asks you to come around sometime they are hanging out and you gladly say yes, wanting to know her and Mitch better, they seem like great company and even greater musicians, it’s always good to meet people who are like you.

As Harry walks his friends out you make yourself comfortable on the couch, reading Taylor’s texts about the update on the recent actions, she has gotten in contact with Jordan’s team and legal steps will be taken if Jordan doesn’t show any sign of improvement in the very near future.

“Hey, want something to drink? Wine or beer maybe?” Harry walks in as you look up from your phone.

“Wine sounds fucking fantastic,” you breathe out earning a soft chuckle from him. You follow him into the kitchen and watch him get a bottle of white wine with two glasses. “I hope Sarah and Mitch didn’t leave early because of me.”

“Oh, not at all. They knew you’d be coming over and would have left around this time, so don’t worry about it.”

He joins you at the kitchen island with the two glasses handing you one and you take a sip from it with a satisfied hum.

“So, want to talk about this Jordan ordeal?”

“There’s not much to talk, really,” you shrug. “He is a jerk and I just can’t seem to get rid of him and I didn’t even date the guy…”

“What did he do this time?”

“Oh, he just casually called me a lying bitch on Twitter, so that’s fun,” you let out a fake laugh, raising your glass before taking a big swig from it.

“Not that creative, if you’re asking me,” he jokes making you laugh. “It’s a very plain choice of words.”

“Yeah, not as good as his best which was calling me a feminist nazi.”

Harry almost chokes on his wine as you say the words, coughing a little while you watch him with an entertained smirk.

“That’s… an interesting way to express his opinion about you,” he answers diplomatically.

“Right? I was thinking about getting a sign of it, like a Live, Love, Laugh one, in the middle of my living room.”

“Would be a wonderful touch of décor,” he smirks. “Alright, I have a proposal for today’s session.”

“Shoot it.”

“You seemed to enjoy your weed experience the last time, I thought we could give it a try again, but we would try to write this time as well.”

“You want to write while smoking?” you ask raising your eyebrows at him.

“Only if you want to. I just thought it would relax you a bit, might even come up with some interesting ideas for the song.”

“Are you trying to turn me into an addict?” you narrow your eyes at him and he just holds his hands up innocently.

“Told you, no pressure,” he smirks angelically.

“I feel like I’m not even coming here to work but to meet with my new dealer,” you chuckle making him laugh. “Okay, we can… give it a try.”

 An hour and one joint per person later the two of you are lounging in his living room, he is sprawled out on the loveseat with a guitar on his arms while you are curled upon the sectional, fumbling with the strings of your hoodie.

“We should just… fucking steal a song,” you snort, finding your comment hilarious.

“Which one were you thinking about?” Harry smirks your way, his fingers gently strumming some random melody on the instrument.

“I really want to have a Madonna song to be mine,” you sigh dreamily.

“You’re a fan?”

“Oh, I grew up on her. I have an elaborate choreography for Hung Up,” you snort.

“You need to perform it for me.”

“No fucking way,” you laugh shaking your head. “Not even weed can make me dance for you.”

“Come on, I need to see that choreography, you can’t just hint it and then never show it to me!”

“Nah, not happening,” you laugh, sliding lower down in your seat, your head resting against the armrest of the couch.

You listen to him play the same melody over and over again with your eyes closed and though you really like what you are hearing, no words are forming in your mind that could serve as lyrics. Your phone buzzes on the cushion next to you and grabbing it you see a text from Taylor.

Taylor: Lawyers are on the case, we’ll have more tomorrow, don’t stress about it too much. Night! Xx

Sighing you drop the device back next to you, covering your eyes with your arms.

“You alright?” Harry softly asks.

“Nah, I just want to… disappear,” you sigh, tired of this fight you’ve been fighting for way too long.

“Is this about Jordan? He is a fucking ass, most people know it.”

“But not everyone!” you snap throwing your hands up. “And that fraction that still believes that he is saying the truth is enough to ruin my life. I’m fucking fed up with the injustice women have to face because of the patriarchy we are forced to live in!” Pushing yourself up you run a hand through your hair, hugging your knees to your chest. “It’s so fucking upsetting, like everything I do goes straight down the drain because of one little thing and I’m stuck with trying to rebuild my whole future plan.”

From a sudden urge, you move down to the floor, lying down on the fluffy rug that runs under the couches and the glass coffee table. It feels nice, kind of grounding to lie flat on the floor, especially because your senses are all messed up again because of the weed, but in a good kind of way.

“You worry way too much on longterm things. Try to stay in the moment a little more,” Harry tells you, putting the guitar to the side so he can move his feet to the floor, leaning onto his knees. “You can’t control this much what happens in the future, you should only care about today. And today, you’ve done good, you made it through another day, you did what you had to do and that’s it. Stressing about tomorrow or the next week or next year is just way too much to deal with all the time, twenty-four-seven, three-six-five, that’s just no way to live.”

Lying on the floor you stare up at the ceiling seemingly blankly, but your mind starts to swirl over what he just told you. The worlds are running around, mixing and mingling until something starts to form, making you gasp.

“Grab the guitar,” you tell him, sitting up abruptly. He pulls his eyebrows together, but does as you told him to, holding the instrument on his lap as he waits for you to instruct him more. “Play that… that melody you’ve been playing, but a little faster.”

He turns his attention at the guitar, trying the strings out a few times, feeling the melody under his fingers before he starts playing it just how you asked as you slowly start to sing the lines you have just thought about.

“You made it through… another day, you made it through another day… You did it, let’s celebrate…”

The lines fit perfectly with the melody he has come up with and the more you sing, the wider his smile grows as you move along in the forming song.

“Some days you feel you’ll break, but you made it through another day, yeah, you did it, let’s celebrate…”

“Don’t fucking stop!” he chimes in, never stopping the riffs, trying out new things as you go, slowly perfecting it together with the lyrics.

“Twenty-four-seven and three-six-five, you made another day, you made it alive! Made another day made it alive!” You sing loud and clear, completely lost in the melody Harry is playing, the lines just flowing out of you, like a dam has been taken down and now everything washes over you at once.

When the chorus is about to come up however you run out of ideas, your eyes meet Harry’s and he sees that you’re stuck. His eyebrows knit together, tongue runs along his lips before he starts playing the melody of the chorus and takes over the singing as well.

“So today, baby, remember it’s okay! We’re all floating through space, today, baby, remember you’re okay! We’re all floating through space…”

He plays a little with the lines, repeats them, tries a few times before he stops singing, you are now standing up, watching him end the melody, neither of you saying a word as he room grows silent. A sudden urge drives you to go closer and you sit back down to the floor in front of him, your eyes casting over the now silent instrument on his lap. Looking up your eyes meet his and you feel like the air is kicked out of your lungs.

You’ve heard so much about moments when you feel yourself pulling towards someone, when it’s like a magnetic field but you never actually experienced it until now. Staring back at Harry you feel that pull everyone has talked about and you finally understand what they were trying to say. It’s like there’s a string coming from your chest that’s connected to him and he is tugging it without even doing anything.

Reaching forward he tugs a loose strand of hair behind your ear, his fingers dancing down the side of your face as you catch his eyes wander down to your lips. Sucking on your breath you feel the moment, you know what he is thinking about because you think about the exact same thing. Kissing him. You are desperate to find out what his lips feel against yours, what he tastes like, what it’s like to have him so close to you.

“You want to kiss me,” you whisper and it’s not a question, more like an observation.

“I do,” he admits with a soft smile, but doesn’t move closer. “Can I?”

“I don’t think it’s an appropriate thing to do in our situation,” you breathe out, though you don’t agree with the statement fully.

“You think too much,” he chuckles softly, leaning closer just a tad bit, but there are still a few inches between the two of you. “Do you want to kiss me?”

“Yes,” you admit.

“Then we should just do what we want to,” he suggests with a small smirk and he looks ridiculously handsome with his dimples and shining green eyes that are glued to you.

“And then what? We’ll just go on like it never happened or there’s going to be more happening? How are we supposed to—“

You don’t get to finish, because Harry closes the distance between you and him and presses his lips against yours, swallowing the rest of your stammering speech. Whatever doubts and hesitation you felt just a moment ago, it all vanishes into nothing as you melt into his kiss, his lips caressing yours gently, softly capturing them, savoring and tasting you with caution, giving you the chance to pull back anytime, but nothing in your body can make you stop kissing him in this moment.

His palms cup your jaw as you push yourself up, slowly making your way to straddle his lap after he has blindly put the guitar to the side, hands coming to rest on his shoulder for leverage. His other hand grips your waist, pulling you close until your chest is pressed up against his, lips never disconnecting in the kiss.

Kissing him feels like second nature, like it’s not even the first but the hundredth time, but on the other hand, every touch and tiny sparkle is so new and unusual, you’ve never felt like this before.

Harry slowly pulls back, pecking your lips a few more times before he stops, nuzzling his nose against you in an adorable and innocent way that brings a smile to your lips.

“Doesn’t it feel good to just do whatever you feel like doing?” he asks with a soft smile, making you laugh.

“Kind of.”

“Nothing has to change. Or something can, it’s up to you.”

“You are so upsettingly cool and respectful,” you blurt out chuckling and it makes him laugh, his head falling back against the back of the couch.

“I’m sorry, I guess?” he smirks with a shrug.

“See? Respectful!” you grin, your hands moving up to cup his face. The pad of your thumbs gently tap against his dimples that are showing thanks to the wide smile on his lips right now. You can’t stop yourself from leaning down and kissing him again, even though your rational side is trying to make you stop. You just can’t, his lips are screaming to be kissed and who are you to deny that?

You’ve been running errands all day. Following an early meeting you ran to your favorite vintage store to get another armchair for your living room. Then you went grocery shopping because your fridge has been ridiculously empty the past two days and later you had a quick fitting for a few outfits you are supposed to wear in the near future. You’ve ran into a few fans too, having small chit-chats with them, taking photos, so it’s been a busy day.

It’s been a week since you and Harry have kissed and despite your fears, it hasn’t been awkward at all. He didn’t bring it up, but you don’t feel like he is pretending it never happened, which is kind of a great balance. He is giving you just enough time and space to figure out what it really meant to you, because quite frankly, you have no idea.

Obviously, you find him attractive. You’d have to be completely blind to say that he is not handsome and just simply good to look at. You’re attracted to him and not just to his looks, but to his whole persona.

It’s just you’re not sure it’s a smart idea to start anything with the man you’re working with and though you know Harry is nothing like Jordan, part of you is still scared the whole thing will happen all over again if you get involved with another man from the industry.

Workwise, everything is going well. You’ve successfully finished the song you started that ominous evening and have started recording it in Harry’s home studio, working some more on the melody, bringing a lot more into it than just a single guitar. What more, you’ve been coming up with new ideas for other songs, lyrics popping up in either your or Harry’s head and you just keep sharing them with each other, saving them for later once the song for the Grammy’s is done.

Heading back to your place you get a call from Harry, his smiley face appearing on the screen of your face as you accept the call and his accent fills the car through the speakers that are connected to your phone through Bluetooth.

“Hey, hope I’m not calling in the middle of a meeting,” he greets you and you can tell he is smiling.

“No, I’m just on my way home. What’s up?”

“I’m meeting with Sarah and Mitch for dinner tonight, thought you’d like to join us.”

“I wouldn’t want to intrude on your time with your friends, I feel like you’ve been spending all your time with me.”

“But I like spending time with you,” he chuckles softly, a blush making its way to your cheeks at his words.

“Are you sure you want me there? What about Sarah and Mitch? I crashed your last meeting with them as well.”

“You didn’t crash anything, Y/N. And I’m positive I want you there, I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t. And just so you know, Sarah asked if you’d be joining us, so I assume they wouldn’t mind it either.”

“Oh, well, okay then. Send me the time and place.”

“Wonderful!” he beams, his enthusiasm making your chest warm.

By the time you arrive home he has already texted you the details and you have just one hour to spare before you have to head out. You opt for a quick shower and an outfit change, switching up your ripped mom jeans and simple t-shirt to one of your favorite jumpsuits. It’s a little baggy, but the waist is cinched in with an inbuilt corset, giving the whole fit a very interesting twist.

Arriving at the restaurant Harry has texted you the address of, the waiter escorts you to the terrace at the back that’s a lot more secluded and you feel yourself relaxing that you probably won’t get photographed. Harry is the only one who is already at the table, sitting with his eyes fixed on his phone, but he immediately puts it aside when he sees you approaching, a wide smile stretching across his face.

“Hey! You look amazing!” he greets you pulling you into a quick hug.

“Thank you,” you smile shyly. He is wearing a pair of brown slacks, a simple white shirt tucked into it, a knitted cardigan thrown on, a typical Harry outfit. “And thanks for the invite,” you add as you take the seat next to him, assuming Sarah and Mitch would like to sit next to each other.

“Don’t even mention it. We’re friends, it’s really nothing. I’m glad you could make it.”

The way he called you friends is giving you mixed feelings. Part of you is happily jumping up and down at the fact that he considers you as a friend, given how you don’t have many of those. It’s been hard opening up to anyone since you’ve made a name for yourself, you’ve ran into occasions a lot when people wanted more than just your friendship from you and it made you rather closed off when it comes to making friends.

On the other hand, you can’t help but feel a little disappointed. Is that all you are? Just friends? More importantly, is that all you want to be, or more?

Sarah and Mitch arrive soon after, joining you at the table and the waiter takes the orders before leaving the four of you alone. It seems like they genuinely like it that you’ve joined, so you can enjoy the evening a little more relieved.

Sipping on some amazing wine, you eat and talk and you feel like you’ve known these people your whole life. You especially like Sarah, she is so open-minded and funny and you think they make a great couple with Mitch who is obviously more closed off, but it’s obvious how much he worships his girlfriend.

Sometime in the evening, when you’ve already had two glasses of Chardonnay and you’re feeling a lot more relaxed and comfortable, you move closer to Harry without even noticing, leaning against him gently and his hand rests on your knee, giving it a soft squeeze under the table, making you want to move even closer to him to feel more of his touch, to get more of him.

Neither Sarah, nor Mitch questions the two of you being a little cozier and you’re thankful for the safe and stressfree environment they are providing, not making you overthink what you do, just letting you enjoy the moment.

At the end of the evening, you can’t shake the thought that you don’t want to say goodbye to Harry just yet. He pays for everyone’s dinner, leaving a generous tip for the waiter and you stay back at the table while Sarah runs out to the restroom and Mitch takes a quick call from his father, leaving you alone with Harry. His hand is still resting on your leg, a little farther up, but still in a very safe zone in the middle of your thigh.

Turning to face him your eyes meet his, his green irises glistening in the soft lighting and he looks so beautiful, you just want to kiss him again.

“Do you have plans after this?” you find yourself asking.

“Not that I know of.”

“Do you want to come over to my place?”

“That sounds like a nice plan,” he smiles at you warmly and you just know that if you weren’t out in the public, he would have leant in for a kiss and you wouldn’t have stopped him.

When Sarah and Mitch return all four of you head out and they don’t question when you follow Harry to his car. They say goodbye and Sarah makes you promise to join them some other time too and you happily say yes to the invitation.

Not much is being said on the way back to your place, he plays some music quietly as you navigate him through the streets.  

“Welcome to mi casa,” you smile as you key the two of you into your apartment you’ve been living in for the past few years.

It’s nothing luxurious, just a tad bit bigger than what one person would need as a home. You would have been fine living in your previous home you lived in before you’ve gained fame, but you needed a much bigger closet so you were forced to move. It’s a two bedroom apartment with one big bathroom, an open concept kitchen and a spacious living room. And of course, a closet as big as your bedroom. It’s the perfect size and you haven’t even thought about buying a bigger place just because you can, it would be a waste of money and space. The interior is very much vintage with all your mismatched furniture and colorful walls, but you think it’s quite cozy and just the ideal space for you.

“Would you like something to drink?” you ask, walking into the kitchen to get yourself some water.

“Some water would be great, thank you.”

Filling up two glasses you hand him one as you lean against the counter, silently eyeing each other. It should be clear to him that you had intentions with asking him to come over, especially after being your cozy with each other during dinner, but you’re a little lost in what you should or even want to do. You just know you want him close.

He drinks up his water, his eyes meeting your gaze as a small smirk tugs on his cherry lips.

“You want to kiss me,” he states, using the exact same words you used the night when you kissed for the first time.

“I do,” you nod, feeling a little breathless.

“Then do it,” he simply answers, making you smile.

“Cool and respectful, as always,” you grin at him as he moves closer, stopping just a few inches away from you, your feet almost touching. Reaching up his fingers gently caress the side of your face and you feel yourself already melting under his touch.

“You’re beautiful,” he murmurs, a shiver running down your spine at his words. You close your eyes for a moment, giving yourself the chance to pull out of it, but you realize you don’t want that, not even the tiniest bit. Opening your eyes they meet with his gaze before you move closer, closing the distance between you and him, lips meeting in a warm and chaste kiss.

Though it grows a little hungrier, you can tell he is still holding back a little, giving you the chance to stop whenever you want to, but you don’t intend to. Pushing yourself closer to him, your arms curl around his neck as his hands grip your waist, your tongue meeting his as you deepen the kiss and melt into his embrace.

Pulling back you grab his hand and head to the bedroom, going back to kissing him the moment you reach it. You easily slide his cardigan off his broad shoulders, pulling his t-shirt out of his pants before taking it completely off, throwing it somewhere to the side. You smirk against his lips, hands wandering down his naked chest and you can’t push down a moan as you feel the warmth of his chest muscles under your touch.

When you feel him try to blindly figure out how to get you out of your jumpsuit with not much luck and this clears your head for a moment to realize what is about to happen. Pulling back your gaze meets his and he stares back at you with caution, ready to stop whenever you tell him to, but that’s not what made you pull back.

“Harry, I…” “We don’t have to do anything,” he softly tells you, his fingers dancing down the side of your face until they reach your chin and he pulls you in for a delicate and slow kiss.

“I want to,” you whisper. “It’s just that… I want you to know that I’ve never… I’ve never been with a man before.”

Searching in his eyes you look for any sign of what’s going on in his head wishing you could just simply read his thoughts.

“You’ve never been with a man?” he asks, seemingly not as surprised as you expected him to be. You nod, licking your lips, waiting for any kind of reaction, a part of you expecting to be upset, though you know he has no right to be mad at you for any of it. “Do you want me to be the first man?” he then asks, with a loving and warm smile as his hand on your hip pulls you against him playfully.

“Yes.”

“Then help me get you out of this jumpsuit, because I can’t figure it out for my life,” he chuckles making you laugh too.

You show him where the corset opens and then get you out of it with joined forces, finally leaving you standing in just your underwear. Harry’s gaze runs down your body, a look of hunger and passion shining through his green irises as he pulls you close again, kissing you with a lot more vigor this time.

Soon enough, his slacks slip to the floor and you climb to your bed, Harry following closely, climbing on top of you before rejoining your lips. Your knees open up wide for him, allowing him to sink his hips between your thighs, his crotch meeting your heated center, a moan slipping out your lips when you feel his erection rubbing against you through the material of your underwear. He kisses his way down your jawline and neck, gently sucking on the soft skin, peppering kisses along your collarbones before he reaches your chest. He easily unclasps your bra and slips the straps down your arms before getting rid of the barrier that’s been keeping him away from your naked chest.

“Fuck, Y/N, you are so damn beautiful,” he breathes out shakily, before his lips wrap around your right nipple, his hand cupping your other breast. You keep whining and whimpering as you feel his tongue swirl around your nipple before his mouth moves over to the other breast, giving it just the same amount of attention.

He kisses down your stomach, glancing up at you as he hooks his fingers into the elastic of your panties silently asking for your permission to go further, still so respectfully looking out for you. As an answer, you lift your hips up so he can easily slide the material down your legs and throw it to the side.

“Oh fuck!” you moan when his tongue and lips press against your bud, playing with it oh so perfectly, making you shudder. If you didn’t think Harry was perfect, his tongue work is now surely making a statement on that.

With every lick, kiss and suck he pushes you closer to your release that’s nearing in a fast pace like never before. Reaching down you lace your fingers through his chocolate curls, tugging on the lightly, making him moan against your core. You’re not sure how long you’ll last, but you want to cum with him inside you, so you pull him up, lips meeting again as you still taste your own juice on him. It’s heavenly.

Without breaking the kiss you reach down and into his underwear, palming his fully hard cock, earning a satisfied growl when you wrap your hand around him. The feeling is quite unknown, you’ve only once had to face a penis before, it happened back in high school when you were still figuring out what sexuality meant to you. Gave a wobbly and quite short handjob to a guy from the grade above you, never even talked to him again. The experience left a major effect on you, never even got close to being intimate with a man, but being with Harry now is putting everything into a whole new light.

“Do you have a condom?” he mumbles against your lips, clearly just as excited to carry on as you are.

“Yeah,” you nod and let go of him, rolling to the edge of the bed so you can dig into the drawer of your nightstand, successfully finding the little silver packet. Tearing it open you hand it over to Harry and get back to your previous position as you watch him kneeling up, rolling the condom on carefully. Your lips part when your eyes fall on his cock, seeing now how big he really is. Harry catches your eyes and leaning down he kisses you softly.

“Tell me if it hurts and I’ll stop, okay?” he kindly tells you, but you smile at him coyly.

“You might be the first man I’m with, but your dick won’t be the first thing to be inside me,” you answer with a smug smirk and it brings an amused look to his face.

“You are so fucking hot,” he murmurs, pressing his lips against yours in a hard kiss as he settles himself back between your legs.

Though you really tried to sound confident the other moment, you still feel a little nervous about it and Harry senses it right away. Holding himself up on one arm he cups your face in his other, kissing you slowly, taking his time with his lips, as if he is trying to make you forget about everything else but his lips.

“Are you still sure about this?” he softly asks, looking for any sign of hesitation in your eyes, but there’s none.

“Yeah, I want this. I want you,” you nod and reaching down between your bodies, you take him in your hands again, positioning him to your center.

Harry captures your lips in another passionate kiss as he pushes into you slowly, filling you up inch by inch. You gasp at the sensation, feeling a little tight around him, but not in an uncomfortable way.

“You alright?” he asks once he is almost fully in.

“Yeah, go ahead,” you breathe out with a small nod. He pecks your lips and slowly pushes all the way in before he starts to move out and then slide in again, picking up a not too fast but still firm pace with his movements.

You gradually get used to the feeling of him sliding in and out of you, it’s surely a whole different experience than using a dildo or any kind of toy you are used to. The thought that it belongs to him is bringing you a sense of intimacy you haven’t felt in a long time.

Wrapping your arms around his shoulders you dig your fingers into his hot skin that’s coated with a thin layer of sweat as he keeps moving, slowly picking up his pace as you both get closer to the endgame.

“Harry, faster, please!” you plead, legs coming to wrap around his waist so he can thrust in deeper, making you go completely nuts from the way your orgasm is already forming in the pit of your tummy.

He obeys without a second thought, slamming into you faster and harder, making you continuously moan his name, the room is filled with moans and panting, the slapping noise of his hips meeting yours.

Harry buries his face into the crook of your neck, kissing and sucking on the soft skin, definitely leaving a mark, but you couldn’t care less. You just grab a handful of his hair, shutting your eyes closed as you feel yourself nearing the end.

“Harry, I’m gonna cum,” you pant, barely hanging on.

Instead of stretching it out and trying to play with you, Harry clearly wants you to combust. Reaching down between your bodies his index and middle fingers find your clit and he starts circling on it, adding that little extra you needed to fall over the edge.

Moaning and whimpering under his massive body, your orgasm washes over you in waves, bringing you such an intense satisfaction you’ve never felt before. He keeps up his thrusting and just a few moments later his movements fall out of his rhythm and mumbling your name over and over again, he gasps as he rides his high while you’re still trying to catch your breath following your own.

With a heaving chest Harry rolls off of you, gets rid of the condom and throws it to the small bin you keep next to your night stand and then lies flat beside you as you both just silently stare up at the ceiling, very much in the best kind of after sex haze.

“How are you feeling?” he then asks, rolling to his side, his hand coming to rest on your bare stomach. Turning your head to the side you crack a smile at him.

“I feel like I’ve just been properly fucked,” you bluntly answer, making him laugh wholeheartedly. Rolling to your side his arm falls to your waist as you scoot closer, your face only a few inches from his. He is so pretty up close, his features never fail to amuse you, hard to believe he is a real human, lying right next to you.

He closes his eyes a little, letting his head sink into the pillow as his fingers delicately dance up and down your side and back. You feel like you owe him to say something, dropping a major detail about yourself in a heated moment.

“I had two girlfriends,” you speak up, his eyes fluttering open to your words. “The first one was when I was eighteen, we dated for almost a year, then I briefly dated a guy, but it was barely just a month. And I had my second girlfriend when I was twenty. We were together for two years.”

“Are you still friends with them?”

“I still talk to the second one. Her name is Mila. We broke up because she moved to Spain for a job for a year and we didn’t want to do long-distance. Then we just… grew apart, but we still talk sometimes. She lives in Atlanta now, she has a girlfriend and she told me that she is planning to propose soon.”

A soft smile tugs on your lips as you talk about her. She was an important person in your life in a time that was truly challenging. Mila supported your dreams, she went to a lot of your concerts and she was the first one you called when you got your record deal even though you weren’t together anymore. She has seen you go from performing in dodgy bars to rocking the stage of arenas.

“Congrats to her,” Harry smiles through tired eyes. Reaching up he tucks your hair behind your ear before leaning closer he envelopes your lips in a soft kiss.

“We really shouldn’t have done this,” you hum, though you can’t wipe the satisfied smile off your lips.

“Why not?”

“Because we work together.”

“So what? We aren’t allowed to like each other?” he smirks cockily.

“You like me?”

“Thought I made that pretty clear,” he chuckles rubbing his eyes. “But yeah, I do like you, Y/N. A lot.”

“I… like you too,” you admit shyly. Leaning in he kisses you again before pulling you to his chest as he lies on his back.

“Can I stay the night or you want to throw me out?” he hums closing his eyes. Chuckling your snuggle to him, making yourself comfortable, enjoying the warmth of his body after so spending so many nights alone in this bed.

“You can stay, but you have to behave.”

“Oh I will behave my best, don’t worry.” A chuckle rumbles through his chest as you both fall silent and soon enough, drift off to sleep.

You wake up tangled in the sheets, but no one else is lying in bed with you. Blinking the sleep out of your eyes you look around and though there’s no sign of Harry in the room you spot his clothes on the floor. That’s when you hear the pots and pans clinking somewhere outside and you smile to yourself. You pull a t-shirt on with a pair of clean panties before heading out, finding Harry in your kitchen, wearing your pink fluffy robe and nothing else as he is making what seems to be pancakes.

“I don’t remember hiring a chef,” you joke walking closer, sliding a hand down his back as you lean against the counter next to the stove.

“Good morning,” he smiles. “I really wanted for you to wake up but I was afraid my growling stomach might wake you up,” he chuckles as he flips the pancakes in the pan with the spatula.

“Found everything you needed?” you ask, walking over the fridge to grab the orange juice.

“Yeah, you have a neatly organized kitchen,” he hums. “Sorry for snooping around though.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Pouring the juice to two glasses you hand one to him which he thanks softly before placing the golden pancakes to the plate on the counter and pours another bunch into the pan.

Sipping on your juice you watch him move around, making breakfast in your robe and you can’t help but smile at the sight of this fine man in your kitchen. Harry catches you eyeing him and he cocks an eyebrow at you.

“What’s gotten you so smiley?” he asks, his voice still a little groggy and husky.

“I just… really want to kiss you,” you shrug placing the glass to the counter.

“I think we are over this whole asking for permission thing,” he smirks, stepping closer he leans down and kisses you gently, tasting like orange juice and something sweet, he has probably ate one of the pancakes. His hand that’s not holding the spatula finds your waist, the t-shirt bunches up on your side as he pulls you closer, deepening the kiss before you hear sizzling coming from the stove.

“Whoops, not trying to burn the place down,” he chuckles as he turns to the pan and flips the pancakes. You wrap your arms around his waist and kiss his jawline before stepping away from him to set the table for breakfast.

“Do you have any plans this weekend?” he asks over breakfast.

“I have a meeting with my label on Saturday, but nothing else.”

“I’m having a few friends over Saturday evening, kind of a late Grammy nomination celebration. Want to come over?”

“Yeah, that… sounds good,” you nod smiling.

“I was thinking that maybe you could spend the night and then we can finish recording on Sunday.”

“Alright, I’m in.”

Harry takes a quick shower after breakfast before heading out, promising to call you later and though it still feels a little odd that he says goodbye with a kiss, you very much like this new setup between the two of you.

Friday evening Taylor is over at your place, she loves helping you sort out promo stuff you get sent all the time, especially because you let her take whatever you don’t want, half her closet was meant to be worn by you.

Sitting on the floor with boxes surrounding the both of you, you’re digging through them with a bottle of wine, some 90’s music playing in the background, it’s a nice and relaxing evening.

Your phone lights up with a text on the coffee table and you already know it’s from Harry. You haven’t stopped texting since he left from your place just a few days ago.

Harry: Do you think it’s a look for the Grammy’s?

He attached a photo of himself in all denim, looking very much like 2001 Justin Timberlake at the AMA.

Y/N: Should I match and pull a Britney?

Harry: Is that even a question?!

“Okay, who’s the girl?” Taylor asks, making you tear your eyes away from the phone’s screen.

“Huh?”

“Last time I saw you smiling like this at your phone you were talking to that girl you met at that award show. So who is it this time?”

“It’s… not a girl,” you admit, placing your phone back to the coffee table.

“Oh, did a guy finally manage to sweep you off your feet?” Taylor gives you an amused look, genuinely surprised to hear that this time it’s a guy that has you wrapped around his finger. “What is his name?”

“Harry,” you shortly answer and see her eyes widen.

“Wait, is it… Harry as in Harry Styles?”

“Yeah,” you admit with a soft chuckle.

“Oh my God, I knew I could feel some sexual tension between you two at Jeff’s office!”

“There wasn’t any, what are you talking about?”

“You didn’t see it because you were too busy trying to blow off the duet, but it was radiating from him.” She gives you a look, putting the sweater she’s been examining to the side. “So, how are things? Are you guys an item, or…?”

“We didn’t label anything, he just said he likes me and I like him too. And he… spent the night the other day.”

“Wait, what? Spent the night as in—“

“Yes, we had sex,” you confirm blushing.

“That’s like huge! The first man you’ve been with!”

“I know,” you chuckle.

“How was it?”

“Fucking amazing,” you truthfully admit with a sigh. “I didn’t think it could be this good with a guy. Maybe it’s just because it was with him.”

“He surely looks like a guy that takes good care of his girl. So what’s gonna happen? Are you guys together?”

“I don’t know. He doesn’t seem to care about names and labels, he just likes to do whatever he wants and if I’m being honest it’s kind of refreshing. We are just… enjoying whatever we have.”

“That sounds very liberal,” Taylor chuckles. “But I’m happy for you. You’ve been alone for way too long, I think he might do good to you.”

“I really hope,” you nod with a sigh.

“How is the song writing going?”

“We’re finishing up recording on Sunday. I’ll send it to you when it’s done and we can start all the paperwork and everything.”

“Amazing, you are doing great, Y/N, I’m proud of you,” she smiles and climbing over she wraps you in a tight hug.

“Thanks, Tay,” you smile at her. “Alright, now do you want these lace socks or should I burn them?” you ask holding up a whole pack of them, making her laugh.

Harry said it’s just a chill get together, nothing fancy so you decide to wear a khaki maxi skirt with a shirt tucked into it that was a gift from a fan, your first album’s name embroidered to the front. It’s one of your favorite pieces and you like wearing things your fans make you, gives the whole fit a plus.

Arriving to Harry’s place you spot that there are a few cars already parking on the driveway. You leave your overnight bag in the trunk, grab the bottle of wine you’ve brought and head inside. Unlike every time you’ve been here, the silence is now switched up with soft music and chatters, quite a few people lingering around the house already.

Just as you walk farther inside, Harry appears on the stairs and his face lights up at the sight of you.

“Hey! Did you just arrive?” He jogs down the rest of the stairs and walking up to you he pulls you close for a quick kiss without hesitation.

“Yeah. I know you said not to bring anything, but I hate coming to parties empty handed,” you chuckle softly, holding the wine bottle up.

“Thanks. Have you eaten? Jeff is grilling outside, but help yourself with anything.”

“I’ll be fine, thanks.”

“Sarah and Mitch are already here, but come on, let me introduce you to a few people.”

Harry takes your hand, lacing your fingers together with his. He drops the wine off in the kitchen before joining all the other guests. It’s really not that many people, just about thirty of his close circle. Musicians, people he has worked with and stayed close with, people he has known for long. Everyone seems welcoming and open, many already know who you are and it’s always a good conversation start, so there are not many awkward silences, especially because Harry is always near you, making sure you feel comfortable around his friends and it means a lot to you.

“Hey, everything alright?” Harry asks, when he finds you in the kitchen, refilling your glass. He walks up to you, placing a hand to your waist as he kisses into your hair.

“Yeah, your friends are nice,” you smile at him.

“I know, that’s why they are my friends,” he smirks, so full of himself. “Want to hear something interesting?”

“Always.”

“I was talking to Adam and our song came up and then out of nowhere I referred to you as my girlfriend.”

Seemingly he is testing the waters, trying to see how you react to the title, even a little afraid of what you might say, but it doesn’t scare you.

“Yeah? That’s interesting indeed.”

“Are you okay with it? I wasn’t really thinking about it, just slipped out.”

“It’s fine,” you smile at him softly.

“You don’t have to call me your boyfriend, call me whatever you want. It’s just a habit of mine, I guess,” he explains, popping some nuts into his mouth from the little jar on the counter.

“Alright,” you nod. Harry stares back at you for a moment before a smile stretches across his face and leaning down he kisses you shortly before taking your hand and walking back to the living room with you.

The last guests leave around midnight. After bringing your bag up to his bedroom you start cleaning up while Harry walks out the last couple leaving. You start loading the washer and put away things you’ve cleaned before.

“Oh, thank you for cleaning, but you don’t have to. I can take care of it later.”

“It’s nothing, I want to make myself useful,” you chuckle softly as you start the washer. Harry comes up behind you, his arms wrapping around your waist as he kisses into your neck.

“I have other ideas for that,” he murmurs, his nose nudging the side of your face.

“Yeah? What kind of ideas?” you teasingly ask, closing your eyes when you feel his hand slide under the waist of your skirt, moving down your abdomen until it reaches your core.

“Fun kinds,” he chuckles lowly. His other hand turns your head so his lips could meet yours, you’re still pressed up against him, melting against his chest with your back just right, like you’re two puzzle pieces.

“Fuck,” you breathe out when his fingers wander into your underwear and they start doing their magic. “Harry!” you whine, reacting intensely to his actions.

“I fucking love hearing my name from your pretty mouth,” he growls, kissing you hard before his lips part from yours and he starts bunching up your skirt.

You don’t protest, in fact, you lean forward, grabbing onto the edge of the counter as he pulls down your panties and you hear the zipper of his pants. Glancing over your shoulders you see him pull out a condom from his pocket and you can’t push down a laughter.

“Did you keep that in your pocket all evening?”

“Wanted to be ready when I finally got you all for myself,” he smirks, pulling his cock out of his boxer briefs, rolling on the condom.

His hands come in contact with your hips and ass cheeks, giving them a light squeeze before you feel him lining himself up with you. His palm slides up your back as he pushes into you, both of you moaning at the fulfilling sensation.

“Fuck, baby, you feel so good,” he breathes out as he pushes all the way inside before starting to pull out.

“Go hard, Harry. Please!” you whimper as he starts thrusting into you. Harry lets out a growl and slams into you, making you gasp at the harshness of the movement, but that’s exactly what you wanted.

The kitchen is filled with the noises coming from the washer next to you and the slapping noise of Harry’s hips meeting your ass with every forceful thrust he makes. His ring clad fingers dig into your hips, probably already making them red, but you couldn’t care less. You hold onto the edge of the counter, but then you move one hand to cover his on you, needing to touch him in some kind of way.

Leaning forward Harry kisses your back between your shoulder blades through the thin material of your shirt and you moan his name when he hits the perfect spot inside you.

“Shit, Harry! I’m g-gonna cum!” you gasp, perking your ass up more so he can go as deep as possible.

“Let go for me, baby. Come on!”

“I want to cum with you.”

“Yeah? Then hold on for a little longer, I’m almost there.”

You try your best to keep everything inside you under control, your orgasm is really on the edge and you can only hope he is nearing his end too.

“Harry! Please!”

“Fuck, okay, okay, cum for me! Let me feel you!” he moans and his words bring you the release.

You clench around him, moaning and whimpering and it finally pushes you into his bliss too. His thrusts slow down but they are hard and go deep, helping you ride the last bits of your high.

He pulls out and gets rid of the condom before wrapping his arms around you, pulling you up from your position so he can kiss your lips.

“How about we take a shower while the washer finishes?” he suggests, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“Mm, good idea.”

Once the song is fully finished you submit it to your label after an agreement that it should come out through yours, but it wouldn’t be tied to your or Harry’s upcoming album. Everyone seems to love it, Taylor is over the moon when you show her the final version and Jeff is just as happy about it. Having only three more weeks left until the Grammy’s, you send them your request to perform the duet instead of the medley they asked. Their answer comes the next day and they are more than happy to have you premiere your new duet at the show. Everything seems to be on track.

Following a rehearsal for the Grammy performance, you’re staying over at Harry’s, just eating takeout and having a lazy evening after a whole day of working. You’ve put on a new Netflix movie, but every time you look at Harry you feel like his mind is somewhere far away.

“Want to share what’s on your mind?” you ask softly, not wanting to be pushy, you’re just trying to be there for him.

“I’ve just been thinking.”

“About what?” He looks up at you, clearly hesitant whether he should share it with you or not.

“About what you said about your parents.”

“Oh,” is all you can say. Pausing the movie you turn all your attention to him. “What about it?”

“I was just talking to my mom the other day, she is coming here for the Grammy’s and I thought about how you… won’t have your parents there with you.”

“There’s a reason for that.”

“Yeah, but then I thought about how you said you haven’t even let them contact you since then and that maybe they’ve changed their mind about the whole situation. You’ve clearly proved them wrong with building yourself a career, maybe they can now see that what they did was wrong.”

You remain silent, chewing on his words. You’ve been great at not thinking about your parents these past years, it feels weird to have a conversation about them out of nowhere. Harry takes your silence as a warning sign, though that’s not the case.

“You know what? I’m sorry for bringing it up. It’s not really my business, I shouldn’t have brought it up, sorry,” he shakes his head.

“What… would you do if you were in my place?”

Harry looks at you, surprised you are willing to continue the conversation. His hand finds your thigh and he gives it a gentle squeeze.

“I think it might worth a shot to just… contact them. See if they want to maybe get in touch again.”

“And what if they don’t?”

“Then… you know you made the right decision leaving. I know it’s scary, but I think you should take a chance.”

“I’ll… think about it,” you nod shortly.

“Take your time, do whatever you feel comfortable with.” He pulls you into his arms, pressing a kiss to the top of your head as you get comfortable in his embrace before starting the movie again.

Two weeks before the show you are headed to a fitting with Harry, your matching sets are nearly done, but they needed you to try them on and make sure they fit just perfectly. True to your and Harry’s extravagant fashion, this performance won’t lack any over the top fits either. It was clear from the beginning that you would be matching, but you made it clear that you want to bring it to the level where you’d be wearing the exact same outfit, so now there are two sets of suits in the making, the pattern of the whole two piece is recalling a kind of space vibe, blues, purples and black meeting in the colors with hundreds of embroidered stars and planets littering the fabric with additional crystal stars to make it even more extra. It’s truly one of a kind, especially paired with the sheer, tulle shirt you both will be wearing underneath.

“We look fucking great, babe,” Harry smirks as the two of you stand next to each other, examining yourself in the floor-to-ceiling mirror on the small podium.

“We really do,” you smirk, satisfied with how the performance is coming together. It’s gonna be the perfect way to celebrate both your first Grammy nominations, a huge milestone in your and Harry’s career as well.

Grabbing his phone he quickly takes a picture in the mirror of the two of you, pulling you to his side as you smile into the camera through the mirror. Then you leave him alone on the podium as they are pinning his pants to make it the perfect size. Stepping to your bag you fish your phone out and reading just the first few words of Taylor’s last message she sent about ten minutes ago, you feel all blood rushing out of your face. Tapping on the notification you start reading.

Taylor: Please don’t lose your head, but we are dealing with this.

She attached several articles and you start digging through them.

“Is Harry Styles dating his new duet partner?”

“Harry Styles cozied up with Y/N Y/L/N at dinner with friends.”

“Can we expect some hot make out sessions at the Grammy’s from Harry and his new beau?”

And then there’s the absolute worst.

“Is Y/N Y/L/N going to take Harry Styles to court too?”

“Shit, shit, shit,” you mumble under your breath, vigorously typing back to Taylor to take them down. Two pictures have been leaked from the time you had dinner with Sarah and Mitch, it’s so odd because it’s been weeks since then, where were these pictures all along? Not that it matters, all you want is for them to be gone.

Against your better judgment, you go online and check your social media even though you know you shouldn’t snoop around now that it’s out there. No surprise, you and Harry are trending, but the reactions are very much mixed.

The impact of your case with Jordan is still major. It doesn’t matter that you won, people are still questioning whether he said the truth or not and now they are afraid you might drag Harry down just like you did with Jordan. That you are just trying to use his fame to get more attention and then ruin his career, making a victim out of yourself again, because apparently that’s what you’ve been doing.

You’re not only being dragged, but all of a sudden, nothing is about the music and the art you are making, people just want to know if you’re fucking Harry Styles or not. A lot of the times you’re not even named, only referred to Harry’s new lover or what’s worse, his hookup. You’ve lost all the credit you worked so hard for and for what? Because you dared to have dinner with a man?

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Harry asks walking up to you. Your eyes snap up at him and he immediately sees the shock and anger in them, setting panic in him as well. “What is it?”

“The fucking… pictures,” you hiss handing him your phone so he can see the articles for himself. He scrolls through them with furrowed eyebrows, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip before handing the phone back once he has gotten to the end of it.

“Let’s finish this up and head home, okay? We’ll figure it all out.” He presses a kiss to your forehead and you nod, trying your best to keep your anger at bay while the designers finish up on the outfits.

An hour later you walk into your place, talking on the phone with Taylor, discussing the situation though there’s not much you can do at this point. It’s all out, the pictures can’t be taken down. She suggests to just keep quiet for now, she’ll call Jeff to see what could be done as damage control.

Throwing your phone to the bed you feel your whole body shaking from the anger, it’s agonizing to know there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

“Hey, it’s gonna be fine. We’ll figure it out,” Harry speaks up, trying his best to calm you down, but it’s not really working this time.

“Stop saying it, you don’t know that for sure. I can’t believe this bullshit is happening all over again,” you breathe out shaking your head.

“Again?”

“Yes! I’m being fucking dragged for something I shouldn’t be.”

“People will always have controversial opinion on everything, you can’t get them all to like you.”

“It’s not about liking, Harry!” you snap. “I couldn’t give a damn about people liking me, but they discredit my work. Have you read those articles? I’m seen with a man and suddenly, I’m not even seen as an artist anymore. I’m not even my own person in some of them, just a girl who is linked to you. How is that fair?” “It’s not, but stressing yourself about it until you’re sick is not gonna help anything,” he retorts in a firm voice.

“So I should just sit around and so nothing while watching all my work go to shit?”

“Nothing is going to shit! This is how it goes, there’s always something people talk about but they will forget about it in a week. That doesn’t take anything away from what you’ve proved through your career.”

“Now that’s a lie. Because if they did forget about things in a week, they wouldn’t be bringing up the whole Jordan thing now. I dared to stand up for myself against a man and look where it took me to! I’m the drama queen, the lying bitch who likes to ruin men for apparently no reason and they see me as a threat when it comes to you too. People are talking about how I’ll take you to court as well, they think I’m just using you even though they know nothing about me! And the worst part is that it wouldn’t be like this if I weren’t a woman. Whatever happens, however we react to the situation, it will never have the same effect on your career than it will have on mine.”

“So what, you’ll just live your life without ever doing anything that’s gonna upset people? There will always be someone who’ll judge whatever you do, you can’t do anything about that and if you let them get to you now, they’ll know they can mess with you easily.”

“So I’m just supposed to ignore everything? And not do a single thing about it? It’s easy for you, you’ll walk away from this without a scratch on your name, because you are a white man who can do no wrong in the eyes of the world.”

“Okay, now you are being mean for no reason.”

“I’m telling you the truth,” you retort. “And you know what else is part of the truth? That I’m not even having it the worse. There are women who are even more targeted because of their religion, their skin color, their nationality or sexuality and people don’t even realize how hard it is for any of us. I’m sick of the injustice we have to live with just because of our gender!”

“I do acknowledge the problem on hand, I’m aware of it and I’m all for doing against it, but we are not gonna solve it instantly, it’s a long process. Sometimes we just have to pull back a little, be smart about things.”

“They will never stop about this,” you shake your head, stubbornly clinging onto your opinion. “I won’t be seen as a serious artist anymore, just some girl who was linked to you. It’s fucking done, over.”

“Y/N, what are you trying to say?” Harry asks with caution.

“Exactly what you are thinking about,” you reply with a bitter laugh. “I can’t be a respected artist if I’m with you.”

“That’s not true. It will die down, they will see that you are more than just who you’re dating and everything will be fine.”

“What’s not fair is that I have to work for it to be fine while you are still the same artist you were before it all blew up. Don’t you think it’s unfair?” you call him out and part of you knows you’re being mean and unnecessarily rude to him, but you just can’t control it any longer. You need to let it out and unfortunately, he is the one who is here to take the blame.

“It is, but what are you expecting me to do about it? Release a statement asking people to only talk about my dating life to make it equal? What can be done is that we try to fight this together, show them that you’re more than just a woman who is linked to a man in any kind of way.”

“Yeah, like realization is just gonna hit them,” you snap. “I’m at a turning point in my career, Harry. Whether I win a Grammy or not, this time is going to have an impact on my future. If I’m seen as just a girl linked to you, I’ll never make it. I’ll be forgotten and dragged again and I can kiss my career goodbye.”

You know you were way too harsh, but it’s what you think to be the truth. You didn’t fight your way to this point in life just to be seen as a man’s girlfriend rather than the artist you truly are. And right now, you can’t see yourself get out of this situation without letting go of Harry.

“Y/N, please don’t let this ruin what we have. We can get through this, you can’t let them control your life this much. Who are they to tell you what to do? That’s not the Y/N I know, come on!”

He tries to step closer, reaching out for you, but you take a step back, wanting to keep the distance between the two of you.

“I would prefer to be alone now,” you sternly say, folding your arms on your chest, closing yourself off from him as you don’t even look at him, because if you did, you know you would break.

“Y/N, please don’t do this, we—“

“Alone!” you snap, cutting him off.

He stares at you, hoping you might change your mind, but you’re quite set on this. He knows you well enough to know you won’t budge anytime soon. He lets out a shaky breath and slowly turning around, he heads towards the door as you’re already fighting your tears back. He stops right before he is about to walk out.

“I’m really sorry, Y/N,” he quietly says before walking out, the door shutting closed behind him.

The sobs start immediately and you fall to the ground, tears soaking your cheeks, already missing him more than anything in your life. You really thought it would be different this time, that things might get better, but you were naïve.

The next two days go by in a blur. The whole fucking internet is filled with those damn pictures of you and Harry, nothing has been about any of your Grammy nominations or even about your music, you’ve officially became the woman Harry Styles is dating.

Harry was titled as a Grammy nominee in every goddamn writing that surfaced, he was completely credited for his work while you could be happy if your name was written correctly. With every new article, your faith in having the career you worked so hard for lessened until you felt hopeless. You’ve officially became a dumb celebrity, just a woman who was known to be dating a man in the industry.

On the evening of the second day you have enough. You just read yet another degrading piece of you that was clearly written by a man, they once again talked about your case with Jordan, joking about history repeating itself and you swear you could scream and throw a tantrum like a baby at how useless and helpless you feel.

You put your laptop to the side and reach for your phone, dialing Taylor’s number.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” she asks right away, knowing well how hard these past days have been. She came over the evening you sent Harry away and tried to comfort you, but nothing could help you that night.

“Hey, I want to ask you to do something and not try to talk me out of it.”

“Oh God…” she sighs, already knowing you’re about to do something stupid according to her.

“I don’t want to perform at the Grammy’s.”

“What? With all due respect, are you fucking stupid?”

“I’m not stupid. But I don’t want to do it.”

“Well, this has got to be the most ridiculous move you’ve ever tried to pull. Why do you want to throw such a huge thing away?”

“I can’t… sing that song with Harry. If I stand on the stage and sing with him… I just can’t do it, Tay.”

“Of course you can! Suck it up! I know you miss him and it fucking sucks what’s happening, but you have to do it!” she tries to convince you, but you’ve already made your mind up.

“No. I’m not doing it. Please let them know that it’s going to be just Harry performing.”

And with that, you end the call.

Taylor knows better than to try to fight you, she doesn’t call back though you know she wants to murder you right now probably, but she’ll come around, she always does. You make yourself a tea hoping to relax your nerves with it though you know nothing can help you now. You wish you had someone to rely on, someone you could talk to right now, but usually Taylor is that person to you and lately Harry has been your support, but you can’t call either of them. The rest of the people you consider friends… they are just not that close to you. You’re left alone, again.

As your gaze wanders over to your phone, a thought pops up in your mind that makes your hands sweat. You think back to the conversation you had with Harry about your parents and you can’t shake the urge off to finally make that call.

“Fuck it,” you breathe out and grab the device, opening up the contacts until you find what you’ve been looking for. Your thumb hovers above the call button for a while before you finally tap on it and start the call. It rings four times before a voice speaks up on the other end.

“Halo?”

“Hi mom,” you reply and hear a gasp from her at your voice.

There’s less than a week left until the Grammy’s. For your own sake, you haven’t been online outside of answering work emails, you just can’t deal with the shit show your life has become on the internet.

You haven’t left your home unless you really needed to go somewhere, did most of your meetings over the phone or videochat and postponed a fitting as well. You’ve officially caved yourself up in your apartment and you are not planning on leaving anytime soon.

Taylor keys herself in, she hasn’t even mentioned that she might drop by, but you’re not surprised. She is probably here to try to bring you out of this pity party you’ve been holding for days. When she sees you lying on the couch in sweats and messy, unwashed hair, she sighs, shaking her head.

“You really need to pull your shit together, Y/N.”

“I’m fine,” you mumble, pulling your fuzzy blanket up to your chin.

“No, you’re not. This is not the bad bitch I know.”

“Bad bitches have bad days too.”

“This is not a bad day, you look like a fucking zombie. This is not what a Grammy nominee should look like days before the big show.”

“Doesn’t matter, it’s not like I’m performing or anything,” you shrug, but the look in Taylor’s eyes make yours go wide. “Taylor, I’m not performing, you informed them about it, right?”

“This is why I’m here,” she sighs walking closer, sitting on the other end of the couch. “I never cancelled on your performance.”

“I told you I’m not doing it!” “I know, but I was hoping you might come around. But you seem to be still acting like a stupid bitch, so that didn’t happen. However, I’ve gotten an interesting email today.”

She pulls out her phone and opens the email before handing it over to you. Shooting her an unhappy look you start reading.

-

Hi Taylor!

I got your email address from Jeff, wanted to write to you myself. I’ve officially pulled out of the Grammy performance so it’s going to be only Y/N in it. We are also working on a statement to release over the whole ordeal and my lawyers have been after the bigger gossip sites to get the articles down. I want Y/N to have the Grammy experience she deserves and I know it can’t happen with me in the performance. Tell her that I’m sorry for ruining it for her, she deserves so much more. I’m sorry she was brought into this.

I hope to see you soon, take care!

Harry

-

With parted lips, you look up at Taylor who is smiling softly at you.

“He… pulled out for me.”

“He did. Talked to Jeff on the phone, they have already let them know Harry wouldn’t be performing, they will make it official tomorrow.”

“But he deserves this just as much as I do. He is a nominee too.”

“Well, seems like he values you more than his own success.” Taylor lets out a long sigh and scooting closer she places a hand to your knee. “Look, I know you’re upset about how the media treats you just because you were seen out with Harry, and I know that you’re afraid of getting labeled as just the girl he dates and not get taken seriously as an artist, but you can’t let them stop you from living your life how you want to. There will always be judgment, there will always be men who are worse than trash and want to bring you down, but you are stronger than that. Pushing Harry away and being alone for the rest of your life is not a solution. What you can do to put them to their place is give them a big fuck you, date the hottest man in the industry and continue being the bad bitch that you are, fighting against the way you are being treated. Speak up, show them who they are dealing with, share your truth, like you always do! But you can do all of this with Harry by your side. You deserve to be happy and he makes you happy, don’t make yourself miserable because we live in a world where men are still placed above women. Fight for the change but don’t forget to think about yourself as well in the process.”

You feel the tears sting in your eyes. The weight of this past week is just way too heavy to carry, but Taylor is right and you are realizing that you’ve made it harder for yourself. The sobs come before you could stop yourself and Taylor pulls you into a hug.

“I know, I know. It fucking sucks, but you can’t let them win,” she soothes, running her hands up and down your back. “Show them how big of a bad bitch you are and get the man too.”

“You think Harry still wants to be with me?”

“I think that man would be on his knees for you in a heartbeat if you asked,” she chuckles pulling back. “Statement about the performance will be released tomorrow. That’s how long you have to figure it out,” she tells you with a knowing look before leaving you alone with your thoughts, however you don’t have to think long what you have to do.

You have not been the only one these past days took a toll on. The fight the two of you had left Harry completely drained, angry and helpless. He hated that he was the reason you weren’t credited as the talented artist that you are and he couldn’t stop thinking about ways to make it better. That’s when he came up with the idea of pulling out of the performance.

Now he is ready to spend the remaining days until the award show hidden from the world, not even leaving the house. Everyone close to him knows he is better not to be disturbed now, so he is quite surprised when the security system lets him know that someone has arrived.

As you drive up to his house you spot him immediately, stepping out the front door with a shocked look on his face, probably expecting you to be the last person to be there at the moment. You wipe your sweaty palms against your thighs as you walk up to him, feeling anxious to see him and talk to him, especially after the last conversation you had.

“Hey, I’m sorry for coming here without calling or anything…” you shyly start, stopping in front of you.

“Don’t be silly. Come… Come on in,” he clears his throat inviting you inside.

You’ve walked through this front door so many times in the past almost two months, but this is the first time you feel so odd, standing out, like you have no place in here and it’s all thanks to yourself.

“Do you want something to drink? Are you hungry?” Harry walks past you but then turns to face you, talking to you with such warmth and kindness, even after how you acted, putting blame on him for something he has no control over. It completely breaks you and can’t stop your eyes from watering as you look at him. You really hoped you’ve run out of tears in the past days, but it seems like that’s not the case at all.

“Harry, I’m so sorry,” you breathe out shakily and you step closer to each other at the same time, he envelopes you in his strong arms and you fist his shirt at his chest. “I know it was none of your fault, I just got so desperate and afraid that it might ruin what I worked so hard for.”

“I know. And you were right about everything. Everything you said was true and I’m sorry you have to deal with it.”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t right to be mad at you just because you have different privileges, it’s not like you can change who you are. So I’m really sorry about that, and also for pushing you away when you were just trying to be there for me. I was so stupid,” you breathe out, wiping the tears sliding your cheeks down away.

“You just panicked, it’s okay. Don’t apologize for wanting to protect yourself.”

Resting your forehead against his shoulder you wait for your sobs to die down before you look back up at him. Reaching up he tucks a loose strand of hair behind your ear, smiling down at you warmly and that smile alone ensures you that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, with the right person.

“Taylor showed me the email you sent her,” you bring it up, clearing your throat.

“You deserve it all to yourself so people can see how amazing of an artist you are.”

“I’m not doing it without you,” you shake your head stubbornly. “We wrote the song together and we’re gonna perform it together or else I’m not doing it either.”

“Y/N, you know if we step on that stage together they are gonna twist the whole thing and make it about something else. I want you to have this opportunity for your career without me ruining it with just my presence.”

“Fuck them, if they take it as something it’s not. They are not gonna take the chance away from us to perform our song. If they are such fucking dumbasses that they make it all about what’s between us, that’s their own personal problem. If I need to, I’ll go on a Twitter rant and tell them this myself. I want you on stage with me or else I’m not doing it either.”

Harry breathes out through his nose, pressing his lips together as he stares back at you, probably realizing you are dead serious about pulling out of the performance and he is right. He doesn’t even know you were the first one to cancel on it, you’d do it again without hesitation.

“I guess we are performing then,” he cracks a small smile and throwing your arms around his neck you pull him down, lips smashing against his, the kiss mingling with giggles and smiles.

Harry wraps his arms tight around your waist, pulling you up from the ground as he spins you around, making you squeal as you hold onto him.

“I have to call Jeff to call the Grammy’s not to post the statement,” he hums against your lips and he pecks them a few more times before letting go of you to quickly make a call to his manager.

You move over to the couch in his living room as he talks to Jeff, who is luckily very understanding about the sudden change. Hugging your knees to your chest you watch him pace the floor, exchanging a few more words with the man on the phone before ending the call, his gaze dropping to you again. Sitting beside you, he kisses your temple, dropping an arm around your shoulders as you lean against him, head resting on his chest.

“I called my mom,” you drop the bomb suddenly and you can feel him tense up for a moment, probably shocked by your words.

“You did?”

“Yeah.” Lifting your head your gaze meets his as you carry on. “She was… very shocked to hear my voice.”

“I bet,” he hums. “What did you talk about?”

“I just… asked how they are doing and told her that I’ve been thinking a lot about them. She sounded genuinely touched by it and said I’m always welcomed for dinner or lunch if I’d like to see them.”

“That’s amazing! See, I told you they would love to hear from you!”

“Yeah,” you smile at him softly. “I think I want to go over sometime after the Grammy’s.”

“I’m sure it’s going to go well.”

“Would you please come with me?”

Your question catches him off-guard he seems surprised that you would want him there, but then his expression softens as he leans down and kisses your forehead.

“I would love to, if you want me there.”

“I do,” you nod.

“Then it’s settled,” he smiles warmly as you lay your head back to his chest, his fingers gently dancing up and down your arm and for once in your life you finally feel settled, like everything is going to be fine.

Highlights of the 63rd Annual Grammy Awards: Y/N Y/L/N blows up stage with new hit duet

The killer duo surprised us all with a brand new duet titled Floating Through Space, performed it together on their big night. Wearing matching galaxy themed suits, Y/L/N and Styles have closed off the evening with probably the most success, the latter winning two out of his three nominations, receiving the award for Best Music Video and Best Pop Vocal Album with his latest album, Fine Line, while Y/L/N was titled best new artist, becoming a Grammy winner early in her career.

Tabloids blew up earlier this month when the two singers were photographed cozied up at dinner with friends, speculations started about their possible romance, but Y/L/N has made a clear statement on the question with her red carpet appearance before the award show. Wearing a head to toe black Gucci gown paired with a dramatic cape, the message “I’M AN ARTIST, ASK ME ABOUT MY ART” painted onto it in red, making a bold statement about her opinion on the way the media has been treating the star.

Both singers remained silent on their alleged romance, but proved to be the best of their time with their joined performance with their new emotional duet. Following the song’s debut on stage it was released to the public as a single right away, taking over all charts with its overwhelming success.

Listen to Floating Through Space now on Spotify and Apple Music!

Your knuckles are turning white from the tight grip on the steering wheel as you stare up at the home you grew up in. It looks almost the same, sometime through the years you haven’t been around your parents have painted it a light blue color from the paste yellow, but it’s still… the same.

“Hey.”

Turning to your right you look at Harry who is smiling at you warmly as his hand reaches over and squeezes your knee gently.

“It’s going to be fine. I’m sure they’ll be happy to see you, you’re still their daughter.”

“That’s not what they told me the last time I was here,” you whisper, feeling your throat closing up.

“We all say things in the heat of the moment. Seeing how happy they were about this lunch proves that they regret what happened.”

Nodding you take a deep breath to get ready for whatever is going to happen. Leaning over the console you pull Harry in for a kiss and it calms your nerves a little. Getting out of the car he takes your hand and squeezes it to let you know he’ll be right by your side all along. As you walk up to the front porch a sense of strong nostalgia washes over you.

You didn’t have a bad childhood, your parents provided you so much growing up, it’s sad to think what it has become. In a way you feel more anxious than walking the red carpet a week ago for the Grammys even though you’re just meeting your parents, but this is a turning point in your life that needed to come sooner or later.

“I’m right here, baby. It’s going to be fine,” Harry murmurs, kissing your forehead before you ring the doorbell, feeling weird that you come here as a guest, not as someone who belongs here.

You hear footsteps approaching on the other side, two frames appear through the clouded glass of the front door and then it flies open, pushing all air out of your lungs, clinging tightly onto Harry’s hand. There’s a moment of silence and just staring at each other before the tiniest smile tugs on your lips.

“Hi mom, hi dad.”

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!